In this third post on Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness, I’ll explore two strategies consistent with the following truism: Happy people have better relationships. Not an earth-shattering revelation there, is it? After all, we’re wired for connection, so it stands to reason that those with high marks on the friends and family scale would find life more pleasant. But how do you move up the curve?

Practice acts of kindness. Happy people are more generous than their less rosy counterparts. Kindness and compassion come naturally to them. In addition to the moral dimensions of their behavior, altruism confers several tangible benefits:

• We perceive others more positively and charitably; we’re conscious of our interdependence and act accordingly.
• It heightens our capacity for gratitude; we give thanks for our blessings.
• It increases our self-confidence and sense of worth. We feel great when our contributions are appreciated, and we may master new skills in the doing of good deeds.
• It satisfies our basic need for connection; it prompts others to respond in kind.
• It assuages guilt.

Kindness does not demand much time, money, or talent. It asks that we elevate our awareness of others’ needs and find ways to meet them. Lyubomirsky’s research suggest that the greatest bang for the kindness buck entails concentrating planned activities (versus a little each day) and varying the contributions. You want it to feel fresh and meaningful, given freely and autonomously. She cautions against creating dependencies, getting puffed up about one’s generosity, and burning out.

My husband and I have been much more intentional about our charitable giving in recent years. Rather than giving small amounts to several nonprofits, we give a more meaningful sum to a designated charity each year. We’re also mindful about when and how we donate our time such that our contributions resonate deeply with our values.

Nurture Relationships. Lyubomirsky reports that happy people are really good at friendship, family, and intimate relationship. They have deep social connections that are mutually reinforcing. Here’s what they do to cultivate connection:

• They make time for their partner, family, and friends. They put dates on the calendar and work other obligations around them. Some have established rituals that routinely bring people together – e.g., Tuesday night beer after choir practice.
• They establish a media-free zone. They devote their full attention to their people; they don’t let cell phone interruptions send the message that something else might be more important.
• They make eye contact and are great listeners.
• They express their admiration, appreciation, and affection authentically and unreservedly.
• They take delight in others’ good fortune and readily offer a shoulder to cry on when things don’t go well. They are loyal and can be counted on for support.
• They manage conflict effectively when it arises.
• They share their inner life.

As an extrovert, I’ve always made an effort to sustain strong social connections. It takes time and energy to find companionable friends and to stay connected with them despite busy schedules. In some ways, COVID made that enterprise quite challenging. But it also got us acclimated to interacting with one another via video calls. I’m pleased to report that I have monthly Zoom calls with my gal pal group from Raleigh (even though we’re spread across 5 metro areas now), periodic happy hours with my dispersed choir buddies, on-line bridge with 3 other geographically dispersed friends, and regular one-on-one Zoom calls with other friends. And, of course, I still have my local choir pals, square dancing friends, book group friends, and neighborhood chums. They all enrich my life immeasurably.

As noted in last week’s post on Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How of Happiness, how we think about ourselves, other people, and our world has a much greater impact on our happiness than our life circumstances. To that end, Lyubomirsky’s first three evidence-based happiness strategies focus on cultivating a positive mindset.

Express gratitude. Lyubomirsky encourages us to find ways to experience wonder, thankfulness, and appreciation for life as it is right now. This strategy can be enacted in many ways – e.g., prayer, journal entries, moments of silence, conversations with family and friends, letters of appreciation. It can be as simple as saying “thank you” spontaneously when experiencing a kindness. Lyubomirsky notes that a gratitude practice:

• Prompts us to savor life’s experiences and focus on what matters
• Bolsters self-esteem and self-worth
• Helps cope with stress and trauma
• Encourages generosity and moral behavior
• Nurtures relationship
• Inhibits insidious comparisons
• Deters negative emotions
• Thwarts hedonic adaptation (i.e., taking good things for granted)

Gratitude journals were all the rage a few years ago. I wasn’t a fan of them as it seemed a bit contrived. (Lyubomirsky’s research showed that daily journal entries were less effective than weekly ones as the daily activity can morph from a practice to a chore.) But I make a habit of contemplating my blessings and saying “thank you” regularly especially in response to all the ways large and small my husband enriches my life. It’s good for the soul and good for the marriage!

Cultivate optimism. In the immortal words of Monty Python alum Eric Idle, “Always look on the bright side of life.” Celebrate positive images and experiences from the past and present; anticipate a rosy future in which one’s best possible self has been made manifest. In the midst of adversity, treat circumstances as temporary rather than intrinsic. Hold confidently to a belief that you’ll get through it. It pays great dividends. Per Lyubomirsky, optimists:

• Experience positive moods, vitality, and high morale
• Readily attract to their broad social networks
• Set more goals and persist in their attainment
• Engage in active, effective coping mechanisms when faced with adversity

Note that this strategy does not entail whitewashing unpleasant circumstances or putting on a false front in the presence of others. It’s the application of intentional effort to construe the world from a positive and charitable perspective. As Professor Lee Ross observed:

“[Optimism] is not about providing a recipe for self-deception. The world can be a horrible, cruel place, and at the same time it can be wonderful and abundant. These are both truths. There is not a halfway point; there is only choosing which truth to put in your personal foreground.”

Avoid overthinking and social comparison. Few things can dampen joy quicker than ruminating about the meanings, causes, and consequences of sorrowful feelings, problems, and regrettable actions. It deepens sadness, fosters a negative bias, hinders concentration and problem solving, and dampens initiative. And it’s not great for relationship with yourself or others! Lyubomirsky suggest the following to shake it off:

• Short-circuit the cycle by distracting yourself with an activity that makes you happy, curious, peaceful, amused, and/or proud. If you can’t be active, use happy thoughts as a distraction.
• It you simply must give the matter some thought, set a time to do it and defer further thoughts on the matter until that time. If you have a close friend who is both sympathetic and objective, make a date to talk it out with that person.
• Consider writing the matter down in a journal, perhaps returning to the written page several days in a row to work it through. Setting pen to paper can provide an organizing structure that helps move toward resolution.
• Take action to solve the problem. Make a plan and take measured steps in that direction.
• Be conscious of the locations, times of days, people, and activities that set off the rumination cycle and find workarounds to avoid the triggers.
• Think about the big picture. Will this matter in a month? A year? Are there lessons to be learned? How will this inform future actions?

Social comparison can have a comparably pernicious impact. There’s always someone out there with a better life or set of achievements. If swept up in comparison, you can get caught up in feelings of inferiority, distress, and low self-esteem. And let’s face it: It’s hard to be envious and happy at the same time. Happy folks judge themselves by their own internal standards and have no problem taking pleasure in others’ success and providing comfort in their hardship. They don’t put a lot of stock in how others are doing in relation to themselves.

Beyond the simple approach of catching yourself in the comparison act and “switching channels,” you might give serious thought to giving up (or seriously restricting use of) social media. Studies have shown that the more we use social media, the less happy we are.

“We cannot allow our happiness to depend on our external circumstances, for every positive event and accomplishment we experience are accompanied by rapid adaptation and escalating expectations.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky has made it her life’s work to help folks become happier. No, she’s not running around doling out million-dollar checks, giving people makeovers, or helping them find their perfect mates. Rather, she leverages evidence-based research to determine which factors demonstrably lead to elevated happiness. She captured her insights in The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.

Lyubomirsky defines happiness as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.” Studies suggest that this experience eludes more than half of all adults who are otherwise deemed “moderately mentally heathy.” And in our less than happy state, we’re not as sociable, energetic, creative, flexible, productive, resilient, healthy, long-lived, and successful as we might otherwise be.

If counting ourselves among the less-than-happy, we may fall prey to one of three happiness myths. The fatalists among us would argue that you’re either happy or you’re not. If the latter, too bad, so sad. The hopefuls among us may believe that happiness is “out there” and rely upon effort and/or good fortune to catch it. The strivers among us might put forth great effort to change their circumstances to increase their odds of finding it. For the latter, it’s all about being richer, thinner, more attractive, more successful, more popular, blissfully married, etc. Ironically, materialism is strong predictor of unhappiness! It doesn’t bring lasting happiness¹ and when pursued often proves a distraction from more fruitful action.

Studies conducted on identical twins (raised together and apart) and fraternal twins show that inherited traits account for about 50% of baseline happiness. As such, even if one were not endowed with the cheeriest of genes, there’s still a lot of wiggle room to improve baseline happiness. Moreover, we know from our study of epigenetics that environment plays a large role in the extent to which genes are expressed. That finding gives hope that any adverse tendencies may be overcome.

Findings from another gaggle of studies reveal that 40% of our happiness level can be attributed to our intentional activity and 10% on our circumstances (assuming they’re not truly dire). Focused energy around attitudes and daily actions pays greater dividends in happiness than undue striving for the best body, face, career, house, car, partner, et al. It’s all about what we do and how we think.

Lyubomirsky and her team have identified 12 concrete strategies that have been shown to elevate happiness when practiced consistently. They are:

1. Express gratitude.
2. Cultivate optimism.
3. Avoid overthinking and social comparison.
4. Practice acts of kindness.
5. Nurture relationship.
6. Develop coping strategies.
7. Learn to forgive.
8. Pursue engaging activities.
9. Savor life’s joys.
10. Commit to goals.
11. Practice religion or spirituality.
12. Take care of your body.

I’ll go into these strategies in more detail in subsequent posts. Suffice it to say that happiness-building is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Some of these strategies will feel more natural, enjoyable, and/or valuable than others. Some will more readily adapt into one’s lifestyle and/or strengths. And some may grow stale with repeat use. The author encourages experimentation to see what works and suggests mixing things up regularly to keep the enterprise fresh and interesting.

¹ Social scientists refer to our tendency to become acclimated to changes in circumstances as hedonic adaptation. While we might get really excited in the immediate aftermath of a favorable windfall, our happiness thereafter typically reverts to the previous set point. Mercifully, this mechanism works to our favor in the wake of unfortunate events.

Based on a series of books by Dr. Nathanial Brandon, Americans became enamored of self-esteem in the 1970s and 1980s. We believed that self-esteem was the lynchpin for success in future generations. Children with high self-esteem would be more cheerful, optimistic, motivated, successful, and happy. They’d value themselves and cultivate the positive regard of others. To achieve these ends, parents and educators showered children with unconditional praise and sheltered them from criticism or adverse consequences. They told kids that they could be anybody they wanted to be and do anything they wanted to do. The sky’s the limit!

Unfortunately, this movement did not produce the desired results. Many of the children raised in this environment found adjusting to the “real world” difficult. They felt slighted when failing to get praise for simply showing up at work and wilted in response to constructive criticism. Instead of becoming fruitful beacons of healthy self-esteem, they became self-absorbed, self-righteous, and angry.

So, what went wrong? It turns out that healthy self-esteem is more a consequence of healthy behaviors rather than a cause of them. It’s not something than can be instilled with flattery or a life devoid of obstacles. Inflated self-regard unmoored from virtue can give birth to narcissists, bullies, cheaters, and bigots. And when self-esteem is tied to success, winning, fame, peer approval, and the like, it can engender an addictive obsession with achievement and image management.

Of course, the impulse to cultivate positive self-regard has merit. We’ll put forth our best efforts and do our best work when fueled by confidence in our skills, knowledge, and experience, and unencumbered by mistakes, lapses in judgement, and setbacks. And we bolster our progress when we refrain from harshly judging ourselves and others.

Dr. Kristin Neff serves up a recipe for positive self-regard and antidote to the inner critic with Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Self-compassion recognizes our inherent worth, desires our health and well-being, and promotes proactive behavior to better our circumstances. It doesn’t get lost in our transitory successes/failures, good/bad thoughts or feelings, or third party reviews. It isn’t intent upon being special or ideal. It doesn’t engage in comparisons that pit ourselves against others. Rather, it places value in being a conscious human who perceives, feels, and endeavors to act wisely. Per Neff, it realizes the dream of the self-esteem movement without the unintended consequences.

The core components of self-compassion include:

• Self-Kindness: Break the cycle of self-criticism by being accepting and gentle toward faults and failings when they arise. Learn from mistakes, and make reparations for any harm done. Be moved by our own experience of pain, and take action to provide comfort. The body responds by releasing oxytocin which increases feelings of safety, trust, generosity, and connection.
• Recognition of Common Humanity: Lay aside self-doubt and comparisons with others. Acknowledge the shared experience of joys and sorrows, victories and defeats, greatness and fallibility. Neff says: “When our sense of self-worth and belonging is grounded in simply being human, we can’t be rejected or cast out by others.”
• Mindfulness: Be present right here, right now, and accept whatever occurs without judgment. See with clear eyes. Acknowledge difficult situations and/or painful feelings, but don’t get lost in the stories being told about them. Ask: Is what I’m experiencing true? Do I need to act? Will it pass?

Self-compassion confers many benefits:

• We become more resilient emotionally; we aren’t snared by a destructive cycle of negativity.
• We’re more likely to confront our unpleasant thoughts and feelings rather than deny their existence. We feel the pain in conscious awareness, work through it, and let it pass.
• We are less likely to get hijacked by emotions when things go wrong or our egos are threatened. We can pause, gain perspective, and make wise choices.
• We’re better able to accept ourselves regardless of others’ opinions.
• We put greater weight on learning versus performance goals and work toward them without undue drag from self-criticism and self-doubt. We relax into the process and treat missteps as opportunities for growth.
• We’re more likely to jettison the fear of failure and take on healthy challenges.
• We find the path to emotional equanimity.

In short, self-compassion recognizes the imperfection of humanity, appraises circumstances with clarity, softens the blow of self-judgment, and provides attentive care. It also provides the means to develop healthy self-esteem, acknowledging our strengths without arrogance, superiority, or overconfidence.

“Merely thinking about time pushes us to spend our time in more personally fulfilling ways.” – Cassie Holmes

I am fascinated by the science of happiness and delighted that it has become a topic of inquiry. It tickles me that there are evidence-based strategies for increasing happiness, and I try to incorporate them into my daily life. And why not? Happiness makes us healthier, kinder, more confident people.

I just finished reading Dr. Cassie Holmes’ book Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most. She arrived at her research focus honestly. She was a working mom who chronically experienced time poverty – i.e., feeling like there just weren’t enough hours in the day. Tempted to chuck her demanding job, she did some preliminary research. It turns out that the least happy people are those with too little discretionary time (<2 hours/day) and those with too much of it (5+ hours/day)! She opted to become a skilled “time investor” by challenging herself to find purpose in her expenditures and a solid happiness return on investment.

An obvious starting point was limiting the list of things to be accomplished in any given day. For each of us, that effort must be informed by how we’re actually spending our time and rating the extent to which those activities contribute to our happiness. Based on a survey of 900 working women, Daniel Kahneman reports that people are happiest when connecting socially and least happy when commuting, working, and doing chores. No real surprise there. But let’s go deeper.

Humans are social animals. We depend upon others for our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy tells us that loneliness is detrimental to our health. The happiest people cultivate close friends, strong family ties, and romantic attachments. They invest in relationship, feel known by their associates, and engage in reciprocal sharing. We need to make time in our lives for connecting with others. It’s not a luxury to be indulged when everything else gets done; it’s mission-critical for health and happiness.

Research tells us that happiness and meaning are intertwined. Fun activities are experienced as meaningful, and meaningful efforts make us happy. We’re willing to take on activities that aren’t joyful if we can tie them to a broader purpose and/or long-term goal. However, excess alone time, “have to” tasks, and time-wasters make us unhappy. The latter includes screen time (TV, social media, internet surfing) which we think makes us happy but actually doesn’t.

With work consuming a healthy chunk of most folks’ days, it’s crucial to identify a higher order purpose for those efforts. Simply making money won’t stimulate motivation or engagement. Ask: Why do I do the work I do? Why does doing that matter to me? How does it reveal what I care about deeply? The answers to those questions cast work in a different light and make it feel more fulfilling and fun. It also informs how time gets spent at work – e.g., when to say YES and when to say NO. Social connection should layer on top of work; the happiest people have authentic personal engagement at work.

Of course, there are a lot of involuntary daily activities that are part and parcel of living in this world. Cassie has some concrete suggestions to make them less unpleasant:

• Outsource tasks and reclaim some of your precious time. If you don’t like housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, or the like, there are competent professionals and services to tackle those activities for you. Meaningful use of that saved time will matter a lot more than things you otherwise might have purchased with the money.
• Bundle less pleasant tasks with something you enjoy. Listen to podcasts or audiobooks when commuting or doing housework (if you haven’t hired it out). Indulge in your favorite streamed TV show when doing meal preparation. Talk to a friend or family member hands-free when commuting or running errands.
• Schedule your daily chores in a single time slot and just get them over with. That approach reduces the start-stop times and the mental overhead of dreading doing them. Reward yourself with something positive immediately thereafter.

Learn to savor life’s little joys. Through hedonic adaptation, we have a tendency to stop noticing good things that happen repeatedly. Recognize that all these wonderful moments are finite; treasure every one of them. Create rituals that transform the ordinary into something special. Take breathers between pleasurable experiences (e.g., eating ice cream) to recapture the joy of the first encounter and/or add variety to an otherwise repetitive activity.

Train your mind to be present in the moment and relish each experience. Give your self a true break on weekends from all the hustle, bustle, and interrupt. Let yourself “be” rather than constantly “do.” Practice meditation to elevate your sense of presence and your capacity to ignore distraction. Shut the door and give yourself physical space to concentrate when needed. Put your phone away!

Let some of your time go unscheduled and hold fast to those moments. Give yourself the space to think, reflect, write, or simply breathe in the fresh air outdoors.

In my last post, I discussed the cycle of negative thoughts and emotions that impede performance, decision-making, relationships, health, and happiness. I also summarized research-based strategies that each of us can enact to turn the tide on destructive rumination courtesy of Dr. Ethan Kross’ book Chatter. This post focuses on social support as a resource.

Kross tells us that people are compelled to talk about their negative experiences with others. The more intense the experience, the more they’ll want to discuss it and the more frequently they’ll revisit it in conversation. We crave connection with others when we are hurting. Unfortunately, venting can heighten negative emotions rather than quell them. And we may wind up pushing people away or elicit a response that doesn’t help us move forward.

We need two kinds of support when in throws of a downward spiral, each delivered in the right measure at the right time.

• We need emotional support to address a wounded soul in need of tenderness and compassion. Kross notes that we don’t need to provide the entire backstory to get it. A recounting may heighten our emotional pain. And we don’t need to enroll our companions in our side of things. We just need a bit of human connection to help us start to pull ourselves out.
• We also need cognitive support to help us figure out what we’re going to do. With the right listening skills, gentle nudging, and questions, a good friend or colleague can help us gain distance from our turmoil, cool down our emotions, and start the process of identifying practical solutions.

As noted, support needs to come “in the right measure at the right time.” An overly rational response at the onset of a crisis could increase suffering and send the unintended message that the person who hurts is wrong or foolish. An overly empathetic response could amp up the hurt, anger, disappointment, shame, etc. and make it difficult to change perspective.

Though we may be anxious to relieve another person’s suffering, some folks need space when processing their pain. Overt acts of emotional or cognitive support could prove detrimental to their process and the relationship. Such instances may call for nonverbal forms of support. One could pick up the slack on chores, cook meals, run errands, or brings flowers. Sometimes, an affectionate touch says it all.

Kross suggests that different kinds of issues call for support from different types of folks. Some may be particularly good at dealing with work-related issues. Some may show skill in the realm of family dynamics. Others may excel in addressing friendship and matters of the heart. Still others may be experts on health. He suggests creating a “Board of Advisors” whose members span the various competencies we’d need to address life’s vicissitudes.

If ritual provides a source of comfort, it may help to seek out those who share in your traditions. As a case in point, I recall how anxious I felt when facing my first 3-hour written exam at the Duke Divinity School. The chaplain held a service of communion before the exam for all interested parties and made fresh baked bread for the occasion. Steam escaped from the bread as she broke it, and this amazing aroma wafted in the air. My nerves settled right down. I became clear-eyes and focused.

Social media can be an asset or a liability in troubled times. When tragedy has struck a community, it can be a place to connect with those who share your sorrow. It provides reassurance that you are not alone. Yet it too must eventually move from simply sharing an experience to a way forward from suffering. And for deeply personal experiences, social media can be salt in the wound. It may induce envy and trigger self-defeating dialog.

Finally, if no one is around when a difficult mood strikes, you can always gaze at a picture of a loved one. The break in thought pattern and influx of warm emotion can be a healing balm.

Human beings have an “inner voice.” It’s the radio station to which our brains attune when not engaged actively in other matters. Its objects of attention are overwhelmingly me, myself, and I. When healthy, it provides a lot of useful services. For instance:

• It serves as a holding tank for information and helps us make sense of the world.
• It reflects on decisions we’ve made and how they impact our lives.
• It provides a means to control our baser instincts and emotions as a function of our upbringing and cultural conditioning.
• It reminisces about the past, considers alternate futures, and bends the imagination toward unlived lives.
• It keeps track of goals and encourages us to stay the course.
• It maintains a personal narrative that undergirds our sense of identity.
• It helps us discern our values and desires.

In Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, Dr. Ethan Kross suggests that this capability confers a survival advantage. We learn, change, and improve through self-reflection. We consider options before proceeding with a course of action. And we are alert to obstacles and dangers that could impede forward progress. Unfortunately, our inner dialogue can also devolve into a cyclical pattern of negative thoughts and emotions that impede performance, decision making, relationships, health, and happiness. For example:

“Who did I think I was taking on all of this responsibility? I’ll never be able to complete the project on time.”

“It has been 6 months since the accident, and I still can’t get over what happened. I keep reliving the experience over and over and thinking about what I should have done.”

“My boss is a real jerk. He never appreciates the time and effort that I put into each assignment. He doesn’t say a word when my work is picture perfect. He only comments when he finds a tiny mistake. I hate my job.”

When chatter hijacks our inner voice, Kross says “we zoom in close on something, inflaming our emotions to the exclusion of all the alternative ways of thinking about the issue that might cool us down.” This loss in perspective hogs neural capacity and interferes with normal executive functioning. We may falter in decision-making and wallow in paralysis by analysis. Automatic, learned skills on which we rely may break down. And the stress of it all may impact gene expression in a way that impacts our health.

Kross serves up several proven strategies to help us disrupt our ruminations and restore clarity of thought. They help us “zoom out” and put some distance between the thinker and the vexing thoughts so that a new conversation can take place. His recommendations:

• Change the subject in the inner dialog from the first person to the second or third person. Instead of “I feel anxious,” try “[Your Name] is feeling anxious” or “one feels anxious in this circumstance.” The alternate language instantly puts the inner voice into a totally different frame. Moreover, use of neutral subjects (“you” or “one”) normalizes the speaker’s experience – i.e., everyone feels that way sometimes. (“If they got through it, so can I!”) Kross reports that “distanced self-talk allows people to make better first impressions, improves performance on stressful problem-solving tasks, and facilitates wise reasoning.” Moreover, it’s a fast and highly effective life hack!
• Imagine that the circumstance is happening to a close friend. Talk to yourself as if you were comforting and advising that person.
• Consider looking at the scenario as if you were a fly on the wall and reporting findings to third parties. Acknowledge multiple viewpoints and see if you can reconcile opposing positions.
• Broaden your perspective. Rather than getting mired in the issue at hand, consider how this episode fits within the grand narrative of your life. Let it just be a moment that will pass.
• Reframe the experience as a challenge and not a threat. Remind yourself that you have the wherewithal to overcome obstacles. Narrate your body’s stress response as being in a high state of readiness for the task at hand.
• Do a little mental time travel. Consider how you’ll recall this episode in a year, 5 years, or 10 years. Again, let it just be a moment in time.
• Try journaling in the style of an investigative reporter. Write about the experience from the perspective of a dispassionate narrator.
• Use ritual to your advantage. A ritual can be any sequence of behaviors that are infused with meaning. You can draw from your cultural conditioning, or create ones specific to a habitual challenge. Rituals can clear the mind of useless chatter and help prepare for what comes next. Famous athletes leverage this tactic to ease tension, calm their nerves, and focus their attention.

If working from the inside out doesn’t float your boat, try working from the outside in. By creating order in your environment, you can increase your sense of control. Self-efficacy is a proven strategy to relieve anxiety. Alternatively, take a walk in nature. The sights, sounds, and smells of your surroundings captivates the mind and draws attention away from the nagging issue. The more awe-inspiring the vista, the greater the benefit. Stuck with an urban landscape? No worries. Breathless imagery and nature documentaries can do the trick.

Have you ever had the experience of looking at family members, friends, or colleagues and thinking: How could these intelligent, thoughtful, sane persons believe in [name that topic] despite all the evidence to the contrary? You may even try to influence their perspectives with facts only to find that they double down on their positions. Guess what? It’s not about them. It’s human nature. And we all have blind spots. Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson explore this terrain in Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad decisions, and Hurtful Acts.

Tavris and Aronson claim that the engine that drives this phenomenon is cognitive dissonance. It’s a state of being when we hold true two disparate concepts in our minds at the same time. It makes us really, really uncomfortable, so we’ll go to great lengths to quell the contradiction. As a case in point, we can’t reconcile a self-image that says “I am a sensible, competent person” with the notion that “I’ve advocated a belief that is categorically wrong.” So, we’ll let in all of the arguments that continue to reinforce our belief and find ways to discount that which contradicts it.

Tavris and Aronson use a pyramid as a representation of how we form (and stick to) beliefs. When we’re sitting at the top of the pyramid, we’re open to seeing all of its facades. If we start heading south on one of its sides, we can still climb back up to the top if we catch ourselves early in the descent. But the further we traverse down that side, the greater the commitment to sticking with it. When we get to the bottom, it’s the only perspective that we can support. Moreover:

“The more costly a decision in terms of time, money, effort, or inconvenience and the more irrevocable its consequences, the greater the dissonance and the greater the need to reduce it by overemphasizing the good things about the choice made.”

The source of much dissonance lies in our beliefs that we are smarter, nicer, more ethical, more competent, more reasonable, more humble, etc. than average. We go to great pains to preserve these self-concepts and filter our daily experience through them. We may not even be aware consciously of all the little lies we tell ourselves and blind eyes we turn to prevent the acknowledgement that we’ve made mistakes and foolish decisions, or committed harmful acts. To do so would threaten our sense of self. Moreover, our neuro-wiring comes with a predisposition to distort memory in ways that cause us to forget discrepant and discomforting information.

The book explores case studies of self-justification in relationships, psychotherapy, academia, business, politics, the judiciary, science, and medicine. It exposes the dark side of prejudice and how our we/they sensibilities can cause us to justify mistreatment of those we perceive as different/inferior. It provides ample evidence of self-justification’s universality and the great harm it causes when left unchecked.

Knowing how dissonance works will not make us immune to its effects. We all have psychological blinds spots. However, we can strive to bring them into awareness and catch ourselves before getting into trouble. Some tips:

• Acknowledge the fact that we believe our judgements to be less biased and more independent than others and that our dialog partners feel the same way. Make an effort to be attentive, respectful, and curious about their perspectives. Ask questions. Explore. Give them the benefit of the doubt. You’re more likely to preserve relationship and just may learn something!
• Check memories with independent accounts to increase the likelihood that you’ll approach the truth rather than your brain’s sanitized perspective.
• Beware of culturally entrenched convictions – e.g., venting anger makes you feel better. (It doesn’t. It escalates anger.) Look for objective data from controlled experiments funded by neutral parties to guide your thinking.
• Discuss major decisions with persons who (like you) are still in the process of making them. Don’t rely on testimonials as these witnesses will be steeped in self-justification.
• When feeling hostility toward a person or group, do a generous deed in their behalf. You’ll start to see them in a warmer light. It’ll also encourage generosity toward others (“virtuous circle”).

At the end of the day, the authors tell us:

“Our greatest hope of self-correction lies in making sure we are not operating in a hall of mirrors in which all we see are distorted reflections of our own desires and convictions. We need a few trusted naysayers in our lives, critics who are willing to puncture our protective bubble of self-justifications and yank us back to reality if we veer too far off.”

In late 1960, famed French chanteuse Edith Piaf introduced the world to a signature song “Non, je ne regrette rien” (translated “No, I do not regret anything”). NYT best-selling author Daniel H. Pink takes this sentiment to task in The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Takes Us Forward.

Regret is a common human emotion. The World Regret Survey found that 82% of participants felt regret at least occasionally; only 1% said they never felt it. Regret relies upon our ability to travel back in time cognitively, reimage our pasts and a different unfolding of events, and take on blame for having acted or failing to act. Regret is overwhelmingly associated with an expectation of better outcomes.

Pink identifies four themes into which most of our regrets fall:

• Foundation regrets reflect a failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent in a way that has jeopardized our life’s stability. Common foundation regrets revolve around education (e.g., “I should have gone to college.”), finances (“I should have saved more money.”), and health (“I should have taken better care of myself or gotten treatment sooner.”) They often arise because we overvalue now and undervalue later.
• Boldness regrets entail a failure to act in a way that would have led to a richer life. They may erupt in a single moment (e.g., “If only I’d taken that chance.”) or be an accumulation of choices that unfolded over time (e.g., “If only I’d made choices to reflect who I truly am instead of what people expected me to be.”) Career, romance, travel, and adventure prove to be fertile ground for missed opportunities.
• Moral regrets arise when we make choices that are out of alignment with our conscience (e.g., “If only I’d done the right thing.”) These regrets cause us the most grief and revolve around causing harm, cheating, being disloyal, subverting authority, and/or desecrating treasured values, persons, or institutions. They assault our sense of our own goodness.
• Connection regrets occur because we have taken action (e.g., “If only I’d kept my big mouth shut.”) or left something undone (e.g., “If only I’d reached out and stayed in touch.”) that has  harmed relationship. While rifts are more dramatic, drifts are more common. Both prove problematic. According to Harvard’s long-standing Study of Adult Development, close relationships promote health and happiness far more than money or fame.

These four core regrets are the photo negative of the good life. When we know what people most regret, we can reverse the image and see what they most value. Studies show that we regret inaction more than action by a three-to-one margin. Inaction regrets increase with age.

Viewed properly, Pink argues that regret offers three important benefits:

• They provide the impetus for making better decisions in the future and help us avoid “trap doors.”
• We perform better today so as not to fall short this time. We are more attentive and persistent in our work.
• When we think counterfactually about past events, we endow those moments with greater meaning because we know how the stories unfolded. We can use these reflections to course correct now.

We realize these benefits when we place regret in the proper context and avoid unproductive rumination. Here are three strategies to do just that:

• Self-Disclosure: Name the regret aloud to yourself, in a written or audio journal, or to a close family member or friend. Denial is taxing and keeps you stuck in inaction. Putting it out there relieves that burden and gives us the means to organize and integrate our thoughts. It moves us from the realm of emotion to the realm of cognition. Feeling gives rise to thinking which gives rise to action.
• Self-Compassion: Extend yourself the same care and attention that you would offer a dear friend. It doesn’t abrogate responsibility but offers a kind and protective means for confronting difficulties and moving forward.
• Self-Distancing: Zoom out and look at the situation from the perspective of a detached observer and/or subject matter expert. Then analyze and strategize. This perspective strengthens thinking, enhances problem solving skills, and deepens wisdom. If the event or decision just occurred, one may fast forward 5 or 10 years in the future and consider strategies and options from that point of view.

Where possible, take action. As the Chinese proverb suggests: “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.” Seize upon what you can control and let the rest go. Find a redemptive narrative that allows for silver linings.

As Dr. Wendy Wood tells us in Good Habits, Bad Habits, most of us set goals and intentions and then effortfully control our actions to attain them. Behavior control through self-control is not as effective as behavioral change through altering contexts. Contexts provide cues that trigger habitual behavior. Rather than work against the contexts and cues that give rise to bad habits, use thoughtfulness and creativity to establish contexts that work in your favor.

Arrange your life to reliably, unfailingly cue your desired habits. Locations, people, time of day, and/or other actions trigger habits.

• Set aside the same time every day for exercise. Better yet, make a date to exercise with a friend or sign up for a group class at the appointed hour.
• Tie an activity that you really enjoy doing to a behavior that you want to become automatic. For example, give yourself permission to indulge in an hour of pleasure reading (or embarrassingly mindless TV) while working out on the treadmill. Restrict that indulgence to treadmill time. Make it something to which you look forward.
• Swap a good habit for a bad one – e.g., make your midday snack a deliciously healthy protein shake instead of a bag of chips.

Set yourself up for success.

• Get a pill box and set up a week’s worth of vitamins at the start of each week. Take vitamins with every meal.
• Load up the refrigerator with heathy snacks – carrots, celery, cherry tomatoes – and keep the cupboards free of junk food.
• Plan recipes for the week, make a shopping list, and make sure you have all the ingredients on hand for meal preparation. To save time and energy, create “set lists” and rotate among them. (Most of us tend to operate off the same basic meal plan.)
• Pack a lunch for work. It’ll ward off temptation and save you money.
• Surround yourself with people who share your goals and stand ready to cheer you on. Tap into their wellspring of ideas to adjust your patterns and stay the course.

Leverage friction.

• Use cash instead of credit or debit cards to elevate consciousness about every dollar you spend. When out of cash, don’t make any more purchases.
• Remove temptations from the house and workplace. Make it really inconvenient to succumb.
• Move the TV to a room that is as far away from the kitchen as possible. Have crosswords, sudokus, jumbles, etc. available for distraction when bored.

Break bad habits by getting out of ruts.

• Take a walk with a friend or partner after work rather than immediately veg in front of the TV. Use stimulating conversation to unwind.
• Turn off all screens 1-2 hours before bedtime and read a book, take a soothing bath, meditate, or the like. Don’t disrupt a good night’s sleep by binge watching your show d’jour. It’ll be there tomorrow!

It may take a little effort initially, but once you consistently repeat behaviors in response to cues, your desires will start to change. You’ll prefer the things that feel familiar, predictable, and easy. And it won’t feel like a “death march” to get where you want to go.

Beyond the benefit of supporting goals, habits keep us steady during times of stress. The familiar routines help us cope with our feelings and give us a sense of control. And as we get through the waves of anxiety, we think more clearly and act consciously and wisely.