Can Dreaming Make It So?

fantasyA cult of optimism has taken root in America. It puts forth the notion that you can get everything you want or need if only you believe in an outcome, think about it repetitively, and adopt an attitude that attracts it. Politicians, self-help gurus, entrepreneurs, pundits, and advertisers routinely traffic in this ideology to garner attention and support. Some Christian preachers exhort their congregations to leverage faith, positive speech, and tithing as a means of manifesting God’s will for health and material wealth. It’s a compelling message. But does it work?

Dr. Gabriele Oettingen spent over 20 years researching the efficacy of dreaming and came to a startling conclusion. Positive fantasies, wishes, and dreams in and of themselves did not instigate the requisite action to realize them; they did the opposite. They exert a dampening effect on motivation. For example:

  • The more folks merely fantasized about pursuing a romantic relationship, the less likely they were to attempt connection.
  • The more often morbidly obese subjects simply dreamt of having a svelte body, the less weight they lost.
  • The more students indulged in images of stellar performance on an upcoming exam, the poorer their actual performance.
  • The more frequently students fantasized about the careers they’d have after graduation, the less success they enjoyed.
  • The higher the expectations for a quick and easy recovery from surgery, the poorer the results realized during rehabilitation.

Dr. Oettingen observed people of different ages, in different contexts, in Germany and the United States. The consistent finding: positive fantasies didn’t help (and often hindered) realization of goals. She cataloged her findings in Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation.

So, what’s up with that?

It turns out that we have a physiological response to fantasy. Our blood pressure drops, and we move into a state of relaxation. We lose the vital energy to think critically, weigh our prospects for success, identify obstacles in our path, and put forth concerted effort to overcome them. In fact, we may revel in the theater of the mind so thoroughly that we avoid input that might disrupt our vision and prompt us to take a different path. We cling to the pleasant state that our imagination offers. We may also fool ourselves into believing that we’ve achieved our goal, a phenomenon known as mental attainment. In short, we substitute dreaming for doing!

Nonetheless, Dr. Oettingen believes dreams serve us if placed within an appropriate context. She refers to her motivational model as WOOP:

  • Wish: Imagine something you’d like to achieve in your personal or professional life. It should be challenging, attainable, and deeply felt.
  • Outcome: Paint a detailed picture in your mind’s eye of what it looks like after you’ve gotten your wish (or resolved your concern). Think about the events and experiences that will have transpired in getting there. Imagine how you’ll feel. Test the validity of your dream by asking: Does this outcome really resonate for me? If not, find another dream!
  • Obstacle: Take a careful look at where you are today and contrast that with your desired outcome. What is holding you back from realizing your dream? Are you plagued by thoughts, attitudes, or behaviors that get in the way of success? Are there external obstacles that need to be overcome?
  • Plan: Create a detailed action that carries you from point A to point B. Anticipate obstacles and have a ready strategy in place to overcome them.

Having placed a dream on the radar and made plans to realize it, you’ll pay closer attention to it as well as things that cross your path that might lead to its realization.

Of course, fantasy can play a useful role outside the realm of achievement. Should we find ourselves in places where action is not possible, we can use dreams as healing balms while imagining better days ahead. They can help us persevere during a rough patch in our lives – e.g., forced confinement while healing. They can relieve boredom when stuck in a holding pattern. And they can help strengthen our brain circuitry for skills we’re developing when we’re unable to exercise them directly – e.g., playing an instrument, flexing muscles, solving problems. Mental practice is effective when done systematically.

Our Minds Matter for Healthcare


I’ve sounded the clarion call to be attentive to cognitive health in earlier posts. Admittedly, I’m sensitive to the issue given my father’s geriatric dementia and my mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. I witnessed first hand the devastating impact of faltering intellective capacity, and I’m determined to do everything in my power to keep my household mentally fit.

I’ve strengthened my resolve in the past year as my husband and I dealt with a substantive uptick in engagement with the healthcare system. While we’re both in great shape for our ages, we’ve had referrals to various specialists to attend to chronic conditions, perform diagnostic testing, and deal with “upgrades” to eyes, ears, and voice boxes to enable us to enjoy full and active lives. We’ve got great doctors, but it remains challenging to avail ourselves of their services:

  • Appointments book out several weeks/months. Even schedulers have become hard to reach. As such, we’ve had to become all the more proactive in arranging our visits and any associated tests that make those engagements productive.
  • The provider’s payment system has proven complex and error-prone for a year-long series of treatments that my husband has endured. It took months working with the clinic and billing supervisor to straighten everything out. It only works smoothly now because I send reminder messages every month to have the system tweaked before our visits.
  • While pre- and post-procedure protocols are essential for successful outcomes, they take a bit of effort to create processes on the home front to ensure we follow through on all the requisite steps.
  • Physicians are routinely squeezed for time and simply don’t have the bandwidth for in-depth conversations about our health. They do a great job with diagnosis, monitoring, prescribing, and executing procedures. But they don’t bake in time for discussing lifestyle factors that could bolster the effectiveness of treatment… or even make medical intervention unnecessary! (Note: Some may not have all that much to say in that regard. It may not be in their wheelhouse.)
  • And don’t get me started on the teensy tiny print on the prescription bottles, medication notes, medical ID cards, et al. I have to keep a magnifying glass handy to read them!

Mercifully, I’m a nerd. I read a lot about health from reputable sources and really amp it up if there’s a specific condition for which my husband or I require treatment. But I can’t help but wonder: What do you do when you aren’t prone to letting your nerd flag fly? And what happens when those vaunted mental faculties start to fail you – just as you really need them to navigate an increasingly complex healthcare system?

So, I return to five pillars of good cognitive health and heartily encourage persons of all ages to partake in them:

  • Eat well, preferably a predominantly whole food plant-based diet devoid of processed foods and limited on sugar, salt, and fat intake.
  • Sleep well to give the brain time to regenerate, consolidate memories, and clear out its refuse.
  • Exercise to bolster neurons, oxygenation, brain-derived neurotropic factor (BDNF), and sensory and motor cortices.
  • Be a lifelong learner to sustain and build neural connections; focus on activities that demand concentrated effort (e.g., reading, studying a musical instrument, dancing, playing complex board games).
  • Socialize to keep the mind sharp and memories strong.

Remember: Living neurons can form in us until the very end of our lives. We need to be as attentive to our brain fitness as our physical fitness to enjoy healthy longevity. Failing that, set your sights on a capable ombudsman or two who’ll engage in your behalf when and if you need them.

Amino Acids

As it has been a little while since I’ve written about nutrition, I thought I’d take a look at amino acids, the role they play in our bodies, and the means though we build them into our diets.

balanced mealDeemed the building blocks of protein, amino acids consist of nitrogen, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen with a variable side chain group. They play vital roles in protein synthesis, muscular development, tissue repair, and nutrient absorption. Some may also benefit sleep, athletic performance, and weight loss. Of the 21 amino acids required by the body, 9 are deemed essential – i.e., they must be consumed as the body cannot manufacture them. They are:

  1. Phenylalanine, a precursor for the neurotransmitters tyrosine, dopamine, epinephrine, and norepinephrine
  2. Valine, which stimulates muscle growth, regeneration, and energy production, and contributes to the overall health of the liver and gall bladder
  3. Threonine, which helps produce collagen, elastin, and tooth enamel, and plays a role in fat metabolism and immune function
  4. Tryptophan, which helps maintain the body’s nitrogen balance and contributes to appetite, sleep, and mood regulation via the neurotransmitter serotonin
  5. Methionine, which supports metabolism, detoxification, and tissue growth as well as the absorption of zinc and selenium
  6. Leucine, which supports metabolism and tissue repair and helps manage blood sugar levels, wound healing, and growth hormones
  7. Isoleucine, which supports muscle metabolism, immune function, hemoglobin production, blood clotting, and energy regulation
  8. Lysine, a major player in protein synthesis, hormone and enzyme production, and calcium absorption that also serves a supporting role in energy production, immune function, and collagen and elastin production
  9. Histidine, which produces histamine for immune response, digestion, sleep-wake cycles, and sexual function, and helps maintain the myelin sheath that protects nerve cells

Food sources for these essential amino acids include:

ANIMAL

VEGETABLE
Phenylalanine Beef, lamb, poultry, pork, cheese, yogurt, and eggs Moringa, tofu, pumpkin seeds, peanuts, wheat germ, quinoa, and wild rice
Valine Red meat, dairy products, milk, and yogurt Moringa, peanuts, mushrooms, and soy products
Threonine Beef, lamb, pork, collagen, and cheese Moringa, tofu, sunflower seeds, cashews, almonds, lentils, and pistachios
Tryptophan Turkey, red meats, milk, cheese, eggs, fish, and yogurt Moringa, chickpeas, spirulina, cocoa, bananas, seeds, and nuts
Methionine Fish, shrimp, beef, and lamb Moringa, soybeans, tofu, Brazil nuts, lentils, and spirulina
Leucine Beef, lamb, poultry, collagen, and cheese Moringa, spirulina, brown rice, corn, peanuts, and quinoa
Isoleucine Beef, yogurt, and fish Moringa, oats, lentils, sunflower seeds, spirulina, and seaweed
Lysine Primarily red meat, but also cheese, eggs, and certain fish such as sardines Moringa, lima beans, avocados, beetroot, potatoes, and peppers
Histidine Pork, beef, chicken, and tuna Moringa, tofu, pomegranates, apples, garlic, carrots, celery, and spinach

Animal products have a much greater concentration of essential amino acids than plants with red meat being the superstar. While plants vary in their amino acid content, the essentials are present in small amounts in a lot of different foods. A well-balanced, varied diet tends to cover the body’s basic needs. For those of us who favor a predominantly whole food plant-based diet, supplementation with a high-quality vegan protein powder may prove useful.

Six amino acids are deemed conditionally essential – i.e., the body can make them if it has access to the constituent parts and is not subject to severe catabolic stress. They are:

  1. Arginine, which increases production of nitric oxide to improve blood flow, reduce blood pressure, and promote heart health
  2. Cysteine, which plays an important role in detoxification, neurotransmitter production, collagen formation, immune function, and liver health
  3. Glycine, which serves as a constituent element of collagen and functions as a neurotransmitter
  4. Glutamine, which supports protein synthesis, energy production, detoxification, digestive health, glucose regulation, and immune function
  5. Proline, which supports cellular regeneration and tissue repair
  6. Tyrosine, which supports protein synthesis, blood pressure regulation, and the production of thyroid hormones, melanin, and a variety of brain chemicals that impact mood and cognitive function

Nonessential amino acids include alanine, aspartic acid, asparagine, glutamic acid, serine, and selenocysteine. The body makes these in sufficient quantities to attend to its basic needs. Supplementation may have little effect, and an excess may simply be excreted by the body.

Every time I do research on nutrition, I am struck by the importance of maintaining a balanced, healthy diet. Even a casual reading on amino acids suggests the possible deleterious impact of running a chronic deficiency in any one of them. For good measure, I’ll likely review our current diet to make sure that were getting everything that we need.

Bono

bono surrenderA good friend of mine regularly opens up her personal library to feed my reading habit. This week, she shared Bono’s memoir entitled Surrender: 40 Songs, One Story.

Unlike my friend, my interest in the group U2 and its front man Bono has been rather casual over the years. A couple of songs resonated with me – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, A Beautiful Day – and I was aware of Bono’s humanitarian efforts. But I wasn’t part of their orbit. Nonetheless, my friend thought I’d enjoy the book.

Wow – did I ever!

First – it’s hard not to be impressed with the band’s accomplishments – 170 million in record sales, 22 Grammy Awards, and the Kennedy Center honors among a gaggle of other accolades. What I hadn’t realized was that these four guys grew up in a rather rough part of Dublin and formed the group when they were in secondary school. That they’ve remained close friends and colleagues after four decades of working together bears witness to something truly special about their union.

Bono’s origin story includes the loss of his mother Iris to an aneurysm when he was just fourteen. His father was left to raise two boys on his own. No one processed their grief aloud though all felt it keenly. “After Iris died, 10 Cedarwood Road stopped being a home. It was just a house.” They simply existed amidst a sea of testosterone and simmering anger.

Bono’s father had a stunning tenor voice with which he mesmerized the town. “For years after Iris died, he would reduce a room of relations to a puddle by breaking into Kris Kristofferson’s For the Good Times.” He never took note of his son’s burgeoning interest in music. Bono had to nurture his own dreams with encouragement from a beautiful girl who crossed his path in September 1973 – Alison Stewart, his future wife.

Bono does not describe himself as being especially gifted at singing, writing, or musicianship, but lays claim to stirring melodies in his head that await expression. In point of fact, he is an exceptional artist who mines life’s experiences for the universal truths that strikes chords in his audience’s hearts. As I read the backstories for his creations, I kept wishing I’d been a fan all these years and could hear the associated melodies. His writing is as authentic and captivating as his poetry. I had to force myself to put the book down when other pressing matters decided to intrude.

Bono became as adept at the business of music as he was making music. The band hired an exceptional manager who deftly navigated the terrain in the band’s favor. They assembled a team of folks to manage their studio recordings and tours; they’ve stayed with the group for years. Of note is the fact that the band remained true to their artistic vision in the face of tremendous pressure to sell out or catch the wave of popular demand. They wanted their music to mean something and to break new ground in the creation of it. Perhaps that’s why they’ve stayed relevant (and together) all these years.

Bono has been front and center on several major campaigns to provide relief and succor to “the least of these.” He lobbied heads of state to grant debt relief to African nations at the start of the new Millennium. He has worked with governments and megadonors to provide solutions for the AIDS crisis in Africa as well as eradicate malaria and tuberculosis. He and his wife have lived and worked among the poorest of the poor in places like Ethiopia and El Salvador. He is passionate and determined.

Bono is a man of faith. He stands in awe of the scripture for their capacity to navigate the world beyond the physical. He is wary of religion and its various sects and denominations. For Bono, faith is “more like a daily discipline, a daily surrender and rebirth. It’s more likely that church is not a place but a practice, and the practice becomes the place.” For those who wish to experience the divine, Bono says: “God is with the poor and vulnerable, and God is with us if we are with them.”

Finally, Bono is a committed family man. His memoir is as much an enduring love story to his wife as it is a journey through his life’s experiences and reflections. In reading about the family, I found myself wishing I could meet the remarkable woman he married and the four children that they brought into this world.

I’ve become a fan and will likely get around to enjoying all of U2’s music. Meanwhile, I encourage my readers to make a date with Surrender.

Make Your Hours Happier

“Merely thinking about time pushes us to spend our time in more personally fulfilling ways.” – Cassie Holmes

I am fascinated by the science of happiness and delighted that it has become a topic of inquiry. It tickles me that there are evidence-based strategies for increasing happiness, and I try to incorporate them into my daily life. And why not? Happiness makes us healthier, kinder, more confident people.

happier hoursI just finished reading Dr. Cassie Holmes’ book Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most. She arrived at her research focus honestly. She was a working mom who chronically experienced time poverty – i.e., feeling like there just weren’t enough hours in the day. Tempted to chuck her demanding job, she did some preliminary research. It turns out that the least happy people are those with too little discretionary time (<2 hours/day) and those with too much of it (5+ hours/day)! She opted to become a skilled “time investor” by challenging herself to find purpose in her expenditures and a solid happiness return on investment.

An obvious starting point was limiting the list of things to be accomplished in any given day. For each of us, that effort must be informed by how we’re actually spending our time and rating the extent to which those activities contribute to our happiness. Based on a survey of 900 working women, Daniel Kahneman reports that people are happiest when connecting socially and least happy when commuting, working, and doing chores. No real surprise there. But let’s go deeper.

Humans are social animals. We depend upon others for our physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy tells us that loneliness is detrimental to our health. The happiest people cultivate close friends, strong family ties, and romantic attachments. They invest in relationship, feel known by their associates, and engage in reciprocal sharing. We need to make time in our lives for connecting with others. It’s not a luxury to be indulged when everything else gets done; it’s mission-critical for health and happiness.

Research tells us that happiness and meaning are intertwined. Fun activities are experienced as meaningful, and meaningful efforts make us happy. We’re willing to take on activities that aren’t joyful if we can tie them to a broader purpose and/or long-term goal. However, excess alone time, “have to” tasks, and time-wasters make us unhappy. The latter includes screen time (TV, social media, internet surfing) which we think makes us happy but actually doesn’t.

With work consuming a healthy chunk of most folks’ days, it’s crucial to identify a higher order purpose for those efforts. Simply making money won’t stimulate motivation or engagement. Ask: Why do I do the work I do? Why does doing that matter to me? How does it reveal what I care about deeply? The answers to those questions cast work in a different light and make it feel more fulfilling and fun. It also informs how time gets spent at work – e.g., when to say YES and when to say NO. Social connection should layer on top of work; the happiest people have authentic personal engagement at work.

Of course, there are a lot of involuntary daily activities that are part and parcel of living in this world. Cassie has some concrete suggestions to make them less unpleasant:

  • Outsource tasks and reclaim some of your precious time. If you don’t like housework, shopping, cooking, gardening, or the like, there are competent professionals and services to tackle those activities for you. Meaningful use of that saved time will matter a lot more than things you otherwise might have purchased with the money.
  • Bundle less pleasant tasks with something you enjoy. Listen to podcasts or audiobooks when commuting or doing housework (if you haven’t hired it out). Indulge in your favorite streamed TV show when doing meal preparation. Talk to a friend or family member hands-free when commuting or running errands.
  • Schedule your daily chores in a single time slot and just get them over with. That approach reduces the start-stop times and the mental overhead of dreading doing them. Reward yourself with something positive immediately thereafter.

Learn to savor life’s little joys. Through hedonic adaptation, we have a tendency to stop noticing good things that happen repeatedly. Recognize that all these wonderful moments are finite; treasure every one of them. Create rituals that transform the ordinary into something special. Take breathers between pleasurable experiences (e.g., eating ice cream) to recapture the joy of the first encounter and/or add variety to an otherwise repetitive activity.

Train your mind to be present in the moment and relish each experience. Give your self a true break on weekends from all the hustle, bustle, and interrupt. Let yourself “be” rather than constantly “do.” Practice meditation to elevate your sense of presence and your capacity to ignore distraction. Shut the door and give yourself physical space to concentrate when needed. Put your phone away!

Let some of your time go unscheduled and hold fast to those moments. Give yourself the space to think, reflect, write, or simply breathe in the fresh air outdoors.

Adopting a Fact-Based Worldview

get the factsI just finished reading a book by Dr. Hans Rosling entitled Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World – and Why Things Are Better Than You Think. He was a Swedish physician and researcher whose life’s work focused on the links between economic development, agriculture, poverty, and health. He was also the co-founder and chair of Gapminder Foundation which promotes global development through effective use of data to understand social, economic, and environmental factors.

The book begins with a simple 13-question test to assess the reader’s knowledge about the world. It covers:

  • Primary school education for girls in low-income countries
  • Population distribution across low-, medium-, and high-income countries
  • Percentage of world population living in extreme poverty
  • Global life expectancy
  • Population forecast for children in 2100
  • Primary cause of population growth
  • Deaths due to natural disasters
  • Population distribution across the continents
  • Childhood vaccination rates
  • Differences in education between men and women
  • Endangered species
  • Global access to electricity
  • Climate change

Without fail, his audiences score poorly; they’re overly pessimistic about the state of the world. These findings remain consistent across varying levels of education, profession, and socioeconomic standing. Chimpanzees – with their random selection of answers – outperformed humans.

As the extended book title suggests, Rosling explored 10 reasons why we tend toward a dim view of global development and offered suggestions for how we might self-correct.

Challenges Remedies
The Gap Instinct suggests that we characterize the world in binary terms with gaps between opposing sides. Reality generally shows no such polarization. Many (or most) data points could be in the middle and/or spread across a continuum. Be wary when comparing averages across two groups; look at the distribution of data and the overlaps between them. Don’t get mesmerized by stories about the extremes. Learn about real lives on the ground by getting close to them.
The Negativity Instinct says that bad news is more likely to get publicized and discussed. Good news and gradual-improvement news does not garner headlines. Get the facts from reliable sources. Let yourself hold in tension the notion that things may be bad/unpleasant but getting better. Don’t glorify history; things were rougher than we remember.
The Straight-Line Instinct leads us to assume that trends will proceed linearly. Remember that trend data may have S-bends, slides, bumps, doubling, or flattening.
The Fear Instinct suggests that frightening things – e.g., violence, captivity, contamination – get our attention and distort our view of the world and its risks. Recognize that one’s actual risk is a function of the real danger and the probability that one might be exposed to it. Get the facts and clear your mind before rendering any judgments.
The Size Instinct tells us that any number may seem impressive when it stands alone. It may distort our perspective. Look for relevant comparisons. Remember the 80/20 rule. Consider rates (e.g., per capita) when evaluating different sized groups.
The Generalization Instinct explores our tendency to view members of a group as homogenous and then using that categorization as explanatory. Look for differences and similarities within and across groups. When discussing “the majority,” ask whether it’s 51%, 90+%, or somewhere in between. Don’t get swayed by vivid examples.
The Destiny Instinct presumes that innate characteristics explain development differences across people, countries, religions, or cultures. Become attuned to the constant change in technology, countries, societies, cultures, and religions… especially slow and steady progress.
The Single Perspective Instinct cautions us to beware of instances where we are so convinced that we understand a problem and its solution that we fail to grasp its complexity or be open to alternate approaches to dealing with it. Be humble. Test your ideas, especially among folks who think differently. Look at solutions that may be outside your wheelhouse. Combine numbers with real lives. Beware of simple answers and simple solutions.
The Blame Instinct stems from our desire to find a clear, simple reason for why something has happened. It’s the counterpoint to the Hero Instinct which wants to assign credit for good. Resist the impulse to find a scapegoat or a cast of villains. Bad things happen. Look for multiple interacting causes and the systems that provide remediation.
The Urgency Instinct makes us want to take immediate action in the face of a perceived threat. It may foster impulsivity rather than critical thinking and considered action. Things are rarely as urgent as we make them out to be. Pause. Gather and review good data. Consider multiple future scenarios. Remember that drastic action may do more harm than good.

Rosling admonishes us to practice humility and curiosity. Humility breeds awareness of the limitations in our own knowledge and the difficulty in getting the facts right. Curiosity motivates us to seek out new information and be open to what it tells us… even if it does not accord with our prior sensibilities.

Rosling leaves us with two solid reasons for adopting a fact-based perspective:

“First: a fact-based worldview is more useful for navigating life, just like an accurate GPS is more useful for finding your way in the city. Second, and probably more important: a fact-based worldview is more comfortable. It creates less stress and hopelessness than the dramatic worldview, simply because the dramatic one is so negative and terrifying. When we have a fact-based worldview, we can see that the world is not as bad as it seems – and we can see what we have to do to keep making it better.”

Retooling for the Second Act

In his #1 New York Times best-selling book – From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life – Harvard professor Arthur C. Brooks provides thoughtful advice for healthy aging. His attention goes to people who have spent their lives determined to be excellent at what they do. Such folks “often wind up finding their inevitable decline terrifying, their successes increasingly unsatisfying, and their relationships lacking.” He calls this phenomenon the striver’s curse.

Here’s the grim reality. Our prefrontal cortex starts to decline in middle age. We gradually lose our capacity for rapid analysis and creative innovation. Skills on which we relied become less sharp, and it’s tougher to acquire new ones. We’re more easily distracted and struggle with recall of names and facts. As proof sources, Brooks notes that the greatest time for scientific discovery is in one’s late thirties. Financial professionals peak in creativity between ages 36 and 50. Big monied entrepreneurs (i.e., those acquiring $1 billion or more in capital) cluster in the 20-34 age range. Yet even as the facts stare us in the face, we may have trouble acknowledging that they apply to us!

fluid and crystallized intelligence Not to worry! While our ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems (a.k.a., fluid intelligence) may take a dip in later years, our crystallized intelligence continues to rise. We become more skilled at interpreting, combining, synthesizing, and utilizing complex ideas based on our warehouse of knowledge and life experiences. We’ve seen a lot, had some success, made some mistakes, stubbed our toes, and lived to tell the stories. In short, we grow in wisdom. That growth creates opportunity for service and wise counsel.

With that in mind, Brooks advises those passing through middle age and beyond do three things to make the second half of life more enjoyable than the first:

  • Develop relationships
  • Start a spiritual journey
  • Embrace your weaknesses

Some stage-setting needs to occur to get on board with his recommendations. First, let go of a self-concept focused on achievement, worldly rewards, and applause. The drive to succeed crowds out relationships and other enduring sources of happiness. Its joys are short-lived and never enough. Second, jettison attachment to money, power, fame, and material goods; they obscure the essential self and inflame desire. Identify a deep purpose in life and get rid of everything that doesn’t serve it. Third, recognize life’s finitude. Commit to making the most of each day’s opportunities rather than dwelling on what may have been lost in the passage of time.

Develop Relationships. Brook reminds us that our great forests sustain enormous root systems of which individual trees are a part. The secret to strength in maturity lies in recognizing the root system of which we are a part – family, friends, communities. Our intimates help shore up our vulnerabilities while reveling in our valued contributions. We should be especially mindful to cultivate unrelated friends for whom the center of gravity rests in mutual pleasure versus familial obligation. The art of friendship takes practice, time, and commitment. It must not be left up to chance. To that end:

  • Identify folks with whom you’d like to deepen relationship; get dates on the calendar.
  • Be an attentive and respectful friend. Give people what they want and need, not necessarily what is easiest for you to offer.
  • Invest intelligently. Be clear about the mutual benefits for relationship and put some energy into realizing them.

Start a Spiritual Journey. At age 50ish, it’s time to retreat a bit from the old personal and professional duties and allocate more time toward cultivating spirituality and deep wisdom. Develop tolerance for religion’s ambiguities and inconsistencies; look for the beauty and transcendence in faith. Take a broader view of the world with less focus on self.

Make your weakness your strength: Our foibles and follies create opportunities to connect more deeply with others. In trusted companionship, we share common ground and are less likely to engage in false puffery or gloss over our limitations and mistakes. We see the world as it is and find new areas of growth and success. Our resilience overcomes fear, anger, and anxiety. We can relax and take comfort in a more authentic self.

A Toolbox for Balance and Confidence

Life can be challenging. Things don’t always go the way we planned. We may find ourselves on the outside of groups toward which we’d hoped to be an insider. And then big disruptions – like job loss, relationship upheavals, and global pandemics – can upend our lives completely and leave us feeling completely out of sorts.

the light we carryFormer First Lady Michelle Obama understands the roller coaster ride of life – from personal experience and through contact with thousands of people over the years. In The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times, she shares the tools she uses to maintain balance and confidence, to move forward even during life’s rough patches.

While I’ll summarize the main lessons that I gleaned, I recommend direct engagement with the material. She’s a thoughtful writer and wonderful storyteller.

Finding Strength Within Yourself

The Power of Small: Major disruptions can be overwhelming. Huge projects looming on the horizon can be intimidating. Big, seemingly intractable issues can be daunting (and downright discouraging). Instead of standing by and feeling the weight of it, try introducing yourself to something good, simple, and easily accomplished. For Michelle, it was knitting. As her hands worked the yarn, the enforced stillness and steadiness of the task provided a welcome respite from angst and worry. And much like the stitch-by-stitch process of knitting a sweater or hat, she found ways to break the big things in life down to manageable pieces. She could quietly “click” her way out of a hard place. As she said, “I’d had to go small in order to think big again.”

Decoding Fear: We all face loss, harm, and failure. Fear may cause you to avoid situations in which pain might arise. But you’d miss opportunities, and your world may shrink as a result. An alternate strategy calls for understanding the mechanics of fear to discern when it rightfully serves your best interests and when it holds you back. When we befriend fear, tame our inner doubt, and go forth, we increase the likelihood that we’ll come out the other side with new skills and confidence. For Michelle, a critical tool in this regard is preparation. It settles her nerves and gives her the assuredness that she can tackle whatever comes at her.

Starting Kind: Michelle shares an endearing story about a friend’s husband who greets himself in the mirror daily with: “Hey buddy!” In that simple act, he tells himself that he’s glad to see him. It starts the day with a vote of confidence and approval. It acknowledges his light and tells him that he’s enough. That practice may not float your boat, but find ways to silence your inner critic and tell yourself that you’re loved and worthy just as you are.

Am I Seen? Human nature craves belonging, but we may experience moments where we feel different and set apart. That sensibility can make us doubt our fundamental goodness and what we know to be true about ourselves. Michelle encourages us to accept who and what we are and carry our difference with pride. We needn’t live with a burden of judgment from others. We can choose which signals we let in and which we ignore. As her father often reminded her: “No one can make you feel bad if you feel good about yourself.”

Navigating Relationship with Others

Kitchen Table: Good friends provide emotional shelter and a safe haven for your truest self. They travel life’s journey with you and can always be counted upon to show up. Admittedly, no one person satisfies every need, and the “kitchen table” changes with time. But there is joy in investing in one another and reveling in conversations that never finish. It takes time and effort to create and sustain community. We must practice and commit to the art of opening up to others and allowing their stories to intermingle with ours.

Partnering Well: A life shared with a committed partner adds another layer of richness to the journey. That choice finds best expression from a place of knowing who you are and what you need. She says: “When you know your own light, you are then better prepared to share it with another.” As with cultivating friendships, it’s a journey that takes time, effort, and a fair chunk of trial and error. The right partner is someone who will do the work with you, not for you. Openness, vulnerability, and compromise are hallmarks of success.

The Whole of Us: In the age of social media, we are prone to put forth our rosiest life narratives and hide the stories about which we are embarrassed or ashamed. That which we hold back becomes a cloud over our heads and dampens our light. When we embrace all of our stories, we release ourselves from fear and find more of our light. Our courage can have a ripple effect. She says: “The strength of one resolute soul can become the strength of many.” As others drop their guards – perhaps with a “me, too” – we increase connection. We become more human together.

Owning, Protecting, and Strengthening Our Light

The Armor We Wear: Life does not reward openness and vulnerability in all circumstances. There are occasions when we need to armor up. We need to be attuned to those arenas, choose our battles carefully, and manage our resources to address them effectively. Michelle’s armor includes preparedness, adaptability, and excellence. She also makes judicious use of boundaries to separate other people’s issues and worries from her own.

Going High: Amidst a particularly nasty presidential campaign, Michelle delivered a keynote speech in which she said: “When they go low, we go high.” So, what does that mean? Try harder. Be thoughtful. Tell the truth. Do your best by others. Keep perspective. Stay tough. Fight for decency, fairness, and justice. Have a clear message and a call to action that makes it difficult for anyone to write you off. Do what it takes to make your work count.

Why I Believe in Colonoscopies

As a college junior, I got an ominous call from my mother one day. Dad had gone in for a routine colon screening and wound up with a cancer diagnosis. Mercifully, his malady was confined to a set of polyps that the gastroenterologist removed skillfully. Other than the inconvenience of more frequent screenings, he was expected to live a normal life. Mom informed me that as his progeny, I could expect to have this family history influence my diagnostic screenings.

Fast forward a few decades and a high school friend of mine wound up with colon cancer. Unlike my father, he had not gone in for any screenings until he experienced abdominal pain and bleeding. He was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer and died within a year and a half, leaving a wife and two young children. He was a great guy. I can’t begin to tell you how sad I felt about his predicament.

Colorectal cancer is a silent killer, yielding few (if any) symptoms in the early stage of the disease. It typically starts as small, benign clumps of cells (polyps) that turn malignant over time. As they grow, afflicted individuals may notice changes in their bowel habits, rectal bleeding, abdominal discomfort, weakness, fatigue, and/or weight loss. However, their symptoms may come on so gradually that they fail to pay the appropriate attention to them and take action.

The American Cancer Society estimates that 106,180 new cases of colon cancer and 44,850 new cases of rectal cancer were diagnosed in 2022. Risk factors include age, genetic predisposition, family history, personal history of colorectal cancer or polyps, inflammatory intestinal condition, diet (low fiber, high fat), sedentary lifestyle, diabetes, obesity, smoking, and alcohol abuse. When caught early, 9 out of 10 folks can expect to survive at least 5 years. That’s why screening is so important!

Given my family history, I take colorectal screening seriously. I went in for my colonoscopy just last week. During this procedure, a gastroenterologist uses a long, flexible, tubular instrument to explore the length of the colon. It blows air into the colon to expand its field of vision and transmits images back to the doctor. If he or she detects abnormal tissue, it can be extracted and sent to a laboratory for analysis. An anesthesiologist sedates the patient during the procedure and monitors vital signs throughout. In my experience, the only discomfort occurred with the placement of the IV in my wrist and the injection of the sedative, both of which were transient.

Of course, one must empty one’s intestinal tract of all materials to give the doctor a clear look at the lining of the colon. That’s the “fun” part of the whole ordeal. My latest prep entailed:

  • Seven days without nuts, seeds, or whole grains in my diet
  • No dietary supplements for seven days (though prescription medications were AOK)
  • A clear liquid diet the day before my procedure
  • Use of SuTab tablets to induce diarrhea – 12 at 6:00pm the night before and 12 at 4:30 the day of my procedure consumed with a gaggle of water
  • Nothing by mouth after 6:30am

My pre-procedure evening wasn’t all that pleasant, and I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep. But the stuff worked exactly as they’d said it would. My check-in time was 9:30am for a 10:30am procedure; I was out of there by 11:30am. My darling husband provided transportation services as the sedative rendered me ill-equipped to operate machinery or make critical decisions.

Suffice it to say, I wouldn’t invest a whole blog post on the subject of colonoscopies if I didn’t believe in their ability to save lives. The CDC recommends that persons 45 and older get screened. If coloscopies aren’t advised, CT colonography, flexible sigmoidoscopy, and/or a stool test might prove insightful. A frank discussion with a primary care provider can shed light on one’s individual circumstances. I dearly wish that my high school friend had availed himself of that.

Of course, cancer prevention should also be top of mind. The Mayo Clinic offers the following guidelines for lifestyle choices to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer:

  • Eat a high fiber diet with plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
  • Drink alcohol in moderation (if at all).
  • Don’t smoke.
  • Get at least 30 minutes of exercise daily.
  • Maintain a healthy weight.

Overcoming Negative Self-Talk – Part II

In my last post, I discussed the cycle of negative thoughts and emotions that impede performance, decision-making, relationships, health, and happiness. I also summarized research-based strategies that each of us can enact to turn the tide on destructive rumination courtesy of Dr. Ethan Kross’ book Chatter. This post focuses on social support as a resource.

Kross tells us that people are compelled to talk about their negative experiences with others. The more intense the experience, the more they’ll want to discuss it and the more frequently they’ll revisit it in conversation. We crave connection with others when we are hurting. Unfortunately, venting can heighten negative emotions rather than quell them. And we may wind up pushing people away or elicit a response that doesn’t help us move forward.

We need two kinds of support when in throws of a downward spiral, each delivered in the right measure at the right time.

  • We need emotional support to address a wounded soul in need of tenderness and compassion. Kross notes that we don’t need to provide the entire backstory to get it. A recounting may heighten our emotional pain. And we don’t need to enroll our companions in our side of things. We just need a bit of human connection to help us start to pull ourselves out.
  • We also need cognitive support to help us figure out what we’re going to do. With the right listening skills, gentle nudging, and questions, a good friend or colleague can help us gain distance from our turmoil, cool down our emotions, and start the process of identifying practical solutions.

As noted, support needs to come “in the right measure at the right time.” An overly rational response at the onset of a crisis could increase suffering and send the unintended message that the person who hurts is wrong or foolish. An overly empathetic response could amp up the hurt, anger, disappointment, shame, etc. and make it difficult to change perspective.

comforting a friendThough we may be anxious to relieve another person’s suffering, some folks need space when processing their pain. Overt acts of emotional or cognitive support could prove detrimental to their process and the relationship. Such instances may call for nonverbal forms of support. One could pick up the slack on chores, cook meals, run errands, or brings flowers. Sometimes, an affectionate touch says it all.

Kross suggests that different kinds of issues call for support from different types of folks. Some may be particularly good at dealing with work-related issues. Some may show skill in the realm of family dynamics. Others may excel in addressing friendship and matters of the heart. Still others may be experts on health. He suggests creating a “Board of Advisors” whose members span the various competencies we’d need to address life’s vicissitudes.

If ritual provides a source of comfort, it may help to seek out those who share in your traditions. As a case in point, I recall how anxious I felt when facing my first 3-hour written exam at the Duke Divinity School. The chaplain held a service of communion before the exam for all interested parties and made fresh baked bread for the occasion. Steam escaped from the bread as she broke it, and this amazing aroma wafted in the air. My nerves settled right down. I became clear-eyes and focused.

Social media can be an asset or a liability in troubled times. When tragedy has struck a community, it can be a place to connect with those who share your sorrow. It provides reassurance that you are not alone. Yet it too must eventually move from simply sharing an experience to a way forward from suffering. And for deeply personal experiences, social media can be salt in the wound. It may induce envy and trigger self-defeating dialog.

Finally, if no one is around when a difficult mood strikes, you can always gaze at a picture of a loved one. The break in thought pattern and influx of warm emotion can be a healing balm.