Author Archives: Maren

What To Do When Cooking Feels Like a Chore

“Cooking involves an enormously rich coming together of the fruits of the earth with the inventive genius of the human being.” – Carol Flinders, co-author of Laurels’ Kitchen

This week marks 15 months since we went into quarantine. For our household, that’s 15 months since we’ve taken a break from home cooking and eaten a meal at a restaurant (excluding a few guilty-pleasure pizza runs!) As one who typically enjoys cooking, I’ve found the extended stretch without the occasional break to be burdensome, especially since we’ve not had the pleasure of external company to share meals.

I’m not alone. For those working full-time jobs and raising families, it’s hard to keep up with household chores (including grocery shopping and cooking), spend quality time with family and friends, and squeeze in a little “me time.” The food industry’s hefty marketing budget plays right into our overburdened sensibilities by encouraging us to go easy on home cooked meals in favor of quick-fix processed foods and take-out. And by stimulating our taste buds and reward centers with sugar, salt, and fat, the food industry makes sure that we’re happy to go along with their program.

I understand completely how we’ve become a nation characterized by unhealthy eating habits and the associated poor health outcomes. We’ve “drunk the Kool Aid” (literally) and bought into taking short-cuts in the kitchen with an expectation that the medical establishment will take care of our health woes when they arise. Given the latter may take years to show up, why not enjoy life now?

Having tended to my parents’ health needs in their final years, I have a clear sense of how disease robs a vibrant person of life. While modern medicine did the best it could for my dad and mom, it still fell short of remediating their conditions. As a result, I’ve opted to change our household’s eating habits before they result in a turning point for the worse. The payoff thus far has been remarkable. Both my husband and I have dropped nearly 30 points each on total cholesterol through natural means. Our weight has stayed within the “normal” range, and we feel great!

So how do you stay the course when so many influences conspire to thwart your best efforts?

FIRST: I’ve set up a chopping/slicing/dicing station in front of my TV. As that’s the most time-consuming aspect of meal preparation, I’ve found a way to entertain myself while doing it. Most of the shows I watch do just fine with a continuous audio track and regular peaks at the screen. And as a side benefit, I’m not tempted to snack out of boredom while my hands are busy preparing food.

SECOND: I cooked my way through 10 healthy cookbooks and taught myself how to make delicious meals using whole foods and very little fat, salt, or sugar. I use lots of spices and generally make each dish stretch out to two or three meals. (Leftovers generally taste better than the original meals!) I balance more time-consuming entrées with easy-peesy ones so that I’m not spending an inordinate amount of time cooking.

THIRD: I don’t keep junk food around the house. If it isn’t there, I can’t eat it. And if it takes effort to go get it, I’ll make do with a readily-available healthy alternative in my cupboards or refrigerator. The only exceptions to this rule are bags of corn chips which we open occasionally with Mexican-themed meals. We LOVE corn chips!

FOURTH: We’re in our third season of purchasing fresh fruits and vegetables through Community Supported Agriculture (CSA). As I’m not one to waste food or money, I always figure out how to use all of the fresh food that we purchased, which keeps us eating healthfully. I feel good about supporting local farmers and honor the work that they’ve chosen to do. It also feels good knowing that the food was prepared without chemicals and traveled a few miles instead of hundreds of them to get to our table.

FIFTH: We savor the taste of good food and the wonderful aromas that waft through our home. They’re the rewards for prioritizing kitchen work and treating that part of our lives as sacred. And now that we have a growing circle of COVID-vaccinated friends, we’re enjoying the fellowship that comes from feeding body and soul together.

Lasting Marriage

On the occasion of their 40^th wedding anniversary, Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas co-authored What Makes a Marriage Last: 40 Celebrated Couples Share with Us the Secrets of a Happy Life. It’s a charming book filled with stories and commentary that’s worthwhile reading for anyone considering the matrimonial adventure… and for those of us in the thick of it.

Here are themes that found resonance throughout the book:

The initial spark of attraction finds durability in a shared outlook, shared values, and friendship. Each partner shows up emotionally available and provides the space where truth, trust, respect, decency, loyalty, and intimacy flourish.

“Looks fade, abilities come and go. So does money. But the character of a person is what you hitch your wagon to.” – Bryan Cranston, actor, director, producer, and screenwriter

“I don’t trust anybody more than I trust Rebecca to have my best interests at heart. And I have respect – genuine respect for her, too.” – Dr. Sanjay Gupta, journalist, medical correspondent, and neurosurgeon

Both partners keep marriage and family at the forefront of their busy lives. They step up, contribute, and feed the good of the whole. They’re “in the foxhole” together no matter what life sends their way.

“You deal with whatever they’re dealing with. Their issues become your issues.” – Tracy Pollan, actress and wife of Michael J. Fox

“Tough times don’t last, but tough people do.” – The Reverend Jesse Jackson, civil rights activist

“There is no Plan B. No matter what, we want to work it out.” – Kyra Sedgwick, actress

Each partner values and appreciates the other without expectation of change. Each provides space for the other to pursue passionate interests and continue growing as an individual. Each is a source of sound advice, encouragement, and support. Each takes genuine interest in the well-being and happiness of the other and allows shortcomings to be revealed without judgment.

“Judy’s position is that there are three things involved: the two spouses and the marriage itself. They’re all separate and they all have to be addressed.” – Milton Viorst, journalist

“You’ll be the comedian who I know you can be. I trust you with this.” – Janice Crystal in the early days of Billy Crystal’s stand-up career

“We’re a team, professionally and personally. There’s probably been no other person who comes anywhere close to him [Bob Woodward] as being my advisor and my encourager, who says to me, ‘Take a leap, do that thing you want to do, try something hard,’ or ‘even if you don’t want to do anything at all, that’s fine, too.’” – Elsa Walsh, journalist and author

“I told myself, no matter what he says, do not have any expression on your face. If you have an expression, he might clam up and feel ashamed or judged in some way.” – Kelly Ripa, actress and talk show host

Even after years of togetherness, they are still excited to see one another and really enjoy each other’s company. They keep the romance alive through love notes, date nights, doing things (large and small) the other really values, and giving each other full attention when together.

“Keep shaving your legs.” – Gloria Estefen, singer/songwriter

They’ve learned to communicate effectively; they get the big things right and let the little things take care of themselves. When differing in opinion, they remember that their partners are people they love who proceed with good intentions. They are sensitive to what their partners might be going through and bide their time before attempting resolution.

“If you have the zinger, don’t say it. Especially when you remember you’re the one who lives deepest in the other person’s heart, and that you can hurt them the most.” – Peter Hermann, actor, producer, writer

“We would never say anything in the heat of an argument that we could not live with after.” – Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author, journalist, and social activist

“The secret to a long marriage is a short memory.” – Arlene Alda, photographer and writer

They keep a sense of humor!

The book ends with these final thoughts:

“There is no one secret to a lasting marriage, there are a million secrets. So keep looking for them. Because the longer you look, the more you’ll discover reasons to stay in it. As Jamie Lee Curtis so perfectly said: ‘What’s the secret to a long marriage? Don’t leave.”’

Love Languages

As a marriage counselor, Gary Chapman has worked with scores of couples for whom the joy of partnership had faded and faced the looming prospect of separation. These folks did not lack concern for one another, but simply felt as though their emotional love tanks were perpetually dry. Through these encounters, Chapman discovered a fundamental truth: people speak different love languages. If we want our relationships to last, we need to identify – and learn to speak – the language that most resonates with our partners.

Chapman characterizes these emotional dialects in The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Mastery of a given dialect presumes the sincere intention of building others up and demonstrating commitment to their well-being. It is not to be used to manipulate behavior for personal gain.

Love Language #1 – Words of Affirmation – expresses appreciation for other’s good qualities or behaviors and demonstrates belief in their potential. It provides encouragement to pursue initiatives that we know to be deeply meaning to our partners without pressure to take action. It’s our vote of confidence. When making requests of our partners, we express our needs in a way that affirms our partners’ worth, abilities, and free exercise of choice. We give them the opportunity to do something meaningful for us, and acknowledge their contribution once completed. We also make a point of sharing our heartfelt appreciation for our partners with others. It fosters an aura of positivity that lifts up our partners in the retelling.

Love Language #2 – Quality Time – calls for giving our undivided attention to doing things with our partners that they enjoy. If the time spent focuses on quality conversation, we engage in sympathetic dialog where both parties share experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly and open manner. We commit to really listening. If it’s a shared activity, we dive in wholeheartedly knowing that we’re creating a memory bank of shared experiences on which we can both draw in the future.

Love Language #3 – Gifts – provides a tangible expression that our partners know what lights us up and invested the time and energy to get it. It says: “I was thinking about you.” Unless this token of appreciation is wildly mismatched with the giver’s means, it usually isn’t about the amount spent. It’s the thought, intention, and effort that went behind it.

Love Language #4 – Acts of Service – entails doing things your partner would like you to do. These acts must be things that genuinely matter to one’s partner and given freely as an expression of love. They typically require some thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. They may entail examining – and abandoning – stereotypes about the roles that men and women have assumed historically in partnership.

Love Language #5 – Physical Touch – entails holding hands, kissing, embracing, caressing, and sexual intercourse. It may show up as highly charged moments of encounter or casual gestures that manifest in small ways throughout the day. For those for whom this is their love language, to touch their bodies is to touch their hearts. It’s a powerful communicator of love.

If we ignore our partner’s love language, it’s akin to ignoring the needs of a garden. If we don’t weed, water, and fertilize, the garden will die a slow death. Even if our partner’s love language does not come naturally to us, make the choice to learn it anyway. It’s an even more profound expression of love.

How do we identify our love language? The author suggests contemplating answers to the following questions:

In what way do your regularly express your love to your spouse? (You may be doing for them what you hope they’ll do for you.)
What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? (You may equate that action – or inaction – as a love barometer.)
What have you most often requested of your spouse? (You may be giving your spouse hints about what makes you feel loved.)

Finally, don’t expect your partner to have E.S.P. (If you find it challenging to identify your love language, imagine how challenging it would be for your partner!) Do the work to figure out what fills your emotional tank, and then have a forwarding dialog with your partner about it.

As the Beatles famously sang, “All we need is love.”

Radical Acceptance

I enjoyed reading Tara Brach’s book Radical Compassion so much that I was drawn to an earlier work, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. Both books serve up sound teaching, real life examples, and context-specific meditations. While neither last week’s post nor this one will capture the richness of the text, I’ll highlight a few concepts that struck home.

Tara defines radical acceptance as a willingness to experience ourselves and our lives just as they are. It’s comprised of two mutually reinforcing elements: the ability to see clearly in the present moment (i.e., awareness), and the ability to hold that experience with kind and loving attention (i.e., compassion). Both elements are essential for acceptance to take flight. Awareness alone feeds our inclination to analyze our experiences and get caught up in stories about them. Compassion alone makes us vulnerable to self-pity.

A critic might argue that acceptance diminishes motivation for continuous improvement. If we deem ourselves “OK,” why bother changing? Tara would argue just the opposite. When we bring a kind and clear attention to our humanity with all its limitations and capacity for error, we disrupt reactivity – e.g., fear, shame, anxiety – and the defense mechanisms that go with them. We acknowledge what is. We allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel and then move forward with positive action. Unprocessed pain keeps us stuck, if not miserable. “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”

A critic might also argue that acceptance negates responsibility. Again, this critique proves misguided. Having mindful awareness and compassion for our actions does not release us from responsibility for them. Rather, it relieves us of the self-hatred and recriminations that thwart our ability to respond appropriately, make reparations, and restore right relationship with ourselves and others.

Radical acceptance makes space for acknowledging and responding to human desire. The world is full of sensory stimuli that give us pleasure – a beautiful sunset, a delicious meal, the aroma of freshly baked bread, an uplifting song, the touch of a loved one’s hand. We can also take great pleasure in our work and the sense of accomplishment that comes from mastering skills or attaining goals. And we can enjoy the companionship of lovers, family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances. Human desire does not make us less righteous or spiritual. Quite the contrary! Desires and their fulfillment confer a profound sense of being alive. That being said, our awareness calls us to the recognition that all such experience proves transient. We must counsel ourselves to be free from overly identifying with them. No matter how gratifying our experiences, we cannot hold tight to circumstances that are by their very nature in a constant state of flux.

On what resources can we draw to provide support for the experience of radical acceptance? Tara names three fundamental refuges that offer sanctuary for our awakening hearts and minds.

An awakened nature enables us to surrender into an experience of boundless compassion with the prayer, “I take refuge in the Beloved,” or, “I take refuge in the awakening heart-mind.” An awakened nature does not promise the absence of fear, but rather a refuge that is vast enough to hold our fear and vulnerability with lovingkindness. It is the promise of freedom and serenity.

The dharma (the path or the way) recognizes that everything within and around us is subject to change. It cautions against the temptation to resist or hold on to the stream of experience. By taking refuge in the dharma, we awaken from the trance of fear and realize our true nature.

The sangha (community of spiritual aspirants) tells us that we belong to all those who desire to awaken. As Tara says:

“Being with good friends helps us relax about our inner weather and stop regarding our painful emotions or confused behaviors as symptoms of spiritual backsliding. As we bring our vulnerability, insight and heart into conscious relationship, we realize we are all waking up together. In this environment of togetherness, deep healing becomes possible… [Moreover] when radical acceptance blossoms in our relationships, it becomes a kind of spiritual reparenting that enables us to trust the goodness and beauty of who we really are.”

Take a Pause and Practice R.A.I.N.

I just finished a 10-day Radical Compassion Challenge with Dr. Tara Brach during which I also read her book, Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of R.A.I.N. It was a wonderful experience and a very good read.

Merriam-Webster defines compassion as “a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” This definition suggests that compassion is an emotion directed outward with an implied penchant for action. Tara asks us to take this sensibility and apply it to ourselves. She argues that when we find the courage to love ourselves into healing, we amplify our capacity to exercise care, compassion, and forgiveness in service of others and the world at large.

In today’s world, it’s not easy to be emotionally attuned. Many of us are running our legs off trying to keep up with work and home responsibilities. When we’re not caught up in the busy-ness of life, we can become enthralled with screen-based distractions – binge-watching TV, surfing the web, texting, using social media, checking email, etc. We can place ourselves in a kind of trance where we either don’t notice what we are feeling or get swept away by emotion (e.g., anger, fear, anxiety). I know what it’s like to fall under those spells.

I frequently watch TV when I don’t have anything else to do. Even when I choose a decent show, I can find myself getting restless. Rather than tap into the feeling and explore it, I head on over to the kitchen to fix myself a snack. I can be well into my second or third handful of mixed nuts before I wake up and go, “What a minute! What are you doing?”

I also know what it’s like to be in the grip of a strong emotion. Just this week, a planned 2-hour webcast was delayed 30 minutes due to technical difficulties and another 10 minutes due to user error. Given that I’d paid a pretty penny for the class, I was really steamed by the presenter’s lack of preparation. I allowed my irritation to get the upper hand, thereby diminishing my enthusiasm for the material once the class got up and running.

What’s the remedy?

Tara invites us to pause, take a breath, and connect to our moment-to-moment experience. Rather than focus on what’s happening on the outside, take a genuine interest in the real, living experience in our minds and body. We can learn to respond (and not simply react) by practicing R.A.I.N. (Recognize – Allow – Investigate – Nurture). Here’s an explanation and a case in point.

Recognize: Pay attention to thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise. So, before getting out of my comfortable chair in front of the TV and heading into the kitchen, I could pause and ask myself what I’m feeling. I’d probably admit that I’m less-than-captivated by the on-screen entertainment. I’m restless and bored; I’m not hungry.

Allow: Let the thoughts, emotions, and sensations just be. Don’t try to control or judge them. Don’t label them right or wrong, good or bad, appropriate or inappropriate. Just say “YES” to them and invite them to sit with you. In particular, I could simply acknowledge that I’m not stimulated by television. I don’t need to pass judgment on the content of the show or berate myself for choosing to watch TV instead of doing something else. I’ll just allow boredom and restlessness be boredom and restlessness.

Investigate: Bring an interested and kind attention to the experience. Notice what assumptions and beliefs undergird your current feelings. What sensations do they evoke in the body, and where are they located? What do they seem to be telling you? As a chronic thinker, I’d be tempted to stay up in my head and analyze my feelings and figure out what they mean. But Tara invites us to notice where these feelings show up in the body. Oh, I’m feeling tingly and fidgety in my arms and legs. There’s an aliveness within me that seems to be pushing against being sedentary.

Nurture: Call for a response from the wisest and most compassionate part of your being. Allow yourself to feel loved, supported, and worthy. Trust in your essential goodness. Take action to further your highest good. Mmm, maybe I should take a walk and enjoy nature. Or find a really good book to read. Or call a friend and have a wonderful conversation. Or maybe change the channel… haha!

It just might be a good idea to write PAUSE on post-it notes and place them strategically around the house. They’ll remind me to take a breath, practice R.A.I.N., and help me be more present.

How I Jump-Started My Exercise Habit

Although I’ve been fairly consistent with exercise most of my life, I fell off the bandwagon during the COVID quarantine. My gym closed which disrupted my weekly routine. My yoga studio switched to virtual classes which just didn’t float my boat. An old knee injury flared up and put the brakes on vigorous walks in the hills. And, quite frankly, I just got bummed out and lost my drive to do anything.

I started finding my way back to healthy habits when reading James Clear’s Atomic Habits a few months ago. (Read my blog post.) Based on the author’s three layers of behavioral change, I declared the following:

Goals: I will commit to 20 minutes of daily stretching, 30 minutes of daily aerobic exercise, and strength training for upper and lower body on alternating days
Process: I will attend to my stretching routine as soon as I get out of bed. I will use home-based equipment to address my aerobic and strength training needs.
Identity: I am a health conscious person for whom proper diet and exercise are cornerstones of my life.

Out of an abundance of caution, I decided to work my way up to 30 minutes of daily aerobic exercise. I didn’t want my knee to get cranky again, and I wanted to remove barriers to getting back into a daily routine. I purchased a portable stair-stepper and tasked myself with a 10 minute workout the first week. I added 2 minutes to the daily workout with each passing week. As of next week, I’ll be up to the full 30 minutes!

For strength training, I’ve combined floor exercises with exercise bands. My current regimen clearly does not rise to the level of weight training at the gym, but it’s getting me back in the habit of working my muscles daily. Once I’m immunocompetent (thank you COVID vaccine!), I may reactivate my gym membership.

I’ve also adopted the Atomic Habits’ advice for establishing good habits:

Make it obvious: My home gym equipment sits on the coffee table in our living room. Because I walk through that room multiple times a day, I get repeated visual reminders that I need to log my time. Admittedly, it disrupts the aesthetic appeal of the room, but it’s not like we’re doing much entertaining these days!
Make it attractive: I listen to podcasts while doing my morning stretch. I watch TV while taking care of my aerobic and strength training exercises. I find that when I’m entertained, the time flies.
Make it easy: I have everything I need to fulfill my daily exercise requirements right under my own roof. I don’t have to drive anywhere to take care of it. I don’t have to coordinate my time with anyone else. I just gotta do it.
Make it satisfying: I keep a daily log on my desktop to record progress. I am happy to report that I have stuck to my plan without exception for 65 days and counting. It’s gratifying to see all those checked boxes, and I’m motivated to maintain an unbroken chain.

I’ll continue to modify my exercise program to ratchet up my overall fitness. However, I’ll make sure that I can and will sustain whatever I add to the menu. As the tortoise showed the hare, slow and steady wins the race.

SIBO and Leaky Gut

Until recently, I’d never heard of small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO, pronounced see-bow). Family and friends brought it to my attention after they’d experienced nausea, bloating, diarrhea, and the like. Their physicians attributed these symptoms to excessive bacterial growth in their small intestines. They received treatment with antibiotics along with recommended changes to their diets. Unfortunately, some of them found no relief.

I received an invitation to a nutritionfacts.org webinar entitled SIBO and Leaky Gut: What the Science Says and decided to attend. As noted in an earlier blog, I’ve developed a high degree of confidence in this website based on their mission and research methodology. Here’s what I learned from their latest webinar:

Physicians typically use a breath test to determine whether or not someone has bacterial overgrowth in the small intestine. Such tests may not reliably detect the presence of excess bacterial overgrowth. They may detect false positives.
Even if we could accurately diagnose SIBO, there has been no reported difference in symptoms among those who test positive and those who test negative.
When patients are treated with antibiotics, their good bugs get wiped out with the bad ones. With competition thus removed, antibiotic resistant (bad) strains of bacteria can get the upper hand, which can compound physical trauma. Moreover, some people experience unpleasant side effects from the antibiotics themselves.
SIBO may not be the causal agent in gastrointestinal (GI) distress. Upwards of 44% of the population have been found to be lactose intolerant. If dairy consumption triggers symptoms, antibiotics will not provide relief.

Dr. Michael Greger suggests that it’s not bacterial overgrowth that creates the problem but the type of bacteria that takes root in the intestine. In particular, when our daily diet consists of low fiber, high sugar foods, we lose the good bacteria that produce short chain fatty acids with which we keep our gut linings good and tight. Substances that should be contained in our guts start to leak into our bloodstreams causing an inflammatory response. When we take aspirin or ibuprofen to relieve symptoms, we increase the GI barrier dysfunction (a.k.a. leaky gut). By contrast, when we cut out the sugar and eat high fiber foods (e.g., whole grains, legumes), we feed the good gut bacteria, produce the requisite short chain fatty acids, and tighten up our gut lining.

Unfortunately, the average adult eats on 15-16 grams of fiber per day. That number needs to top 50 grams per day using whole foods. It cannot be corrected with psyllium supplementation. Those products help with constipation, but they don’t provide the nourishment for good gut bacteria. We should also minimize (or eliminate) alcohol consumption and saturated fats as both contribute to bad bacteria growth and, hence, leaky gut.

If you are not used to eating whole grains and beans, the dietary change can cause a little GI distress. No worries! Simply work you way up to several servings per day a little at a time. Your body (and your gut) will adapt to the change. It’s not a race to the finish line. It’s a commitment to eating healthfully for a lifetime.

Are you among the 1 in ~50 folks who has a problem with gluten (i.e., wheat allergy, celiac disease, non-celiac gluten sensitivity)? No worries! There are plenty of gluten-free whole grains. Or, you could increase your consumption of legumes along with fresh fruits and vegetables.

To see the SIBO videos, subscribe to nutritionfacts.org. They’ll be published on-line in the coming weeks.

One More Reason to Meditate

“Ultimately, happiness comes down to choosing between the discomfort of being aware of your mental afflictions and the discomfort of being ruled by them.” – Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Tibetan Lama

A student of human nature, author Robert Wright was drawn to study mindfulness at a Buddhist meditation retreat. He deemed himself a particularly unlikely candidate for the exercise given his general restlessness and penchant for emotional expression. Yet he signed on for an immersive program that had him sit in stillness hour-upon-hour every day. Though challenging, he persevered, attended several other retreats, and wrote Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment.

Suffice it to say, the book is not light reading. It subjects 4^th century BCE Buddhist dharma to 21^st century evolutionary biology and neuroscience to make sense of the ancient wisdom. It also seeks to provide practical reasons to immerse oneself in the discipline of mindfulness. From pages of notes, I hope to distill some key concepts.

One of the Buddha’s core teachings is that there is no such thing as a permanent, autonomous “self.” We cannot point to any part of our being and declare that it enjoys both control and persistence. In particular:

Our physical bodies cannot be the “self” because we have limited control over its appearance and functioning, and we certainly can’t forestall its deterioration in old age.
Our feelings cannot be the “self” because we are so often swept away by strong emotions that seem to arise out of nowhere. Moreover, said emotions can be here in one moment and gone the next.
Our perceptions cannot be the “self” because they are so readily manipulated by outside influence. Environmental cues, emotional states, and entrenched biases all contribute to which sensory input gets our attention and how we’ll interpret it.
Our mental formulations cannot be the “self” because they are as readily manipulated by external influence as our perceptions. Moreover, one of Wright’s teachers observed that sometimes “thoughts think themselves.”

The best candidate for the “self” appears to be consciousness. Some suggest that it has the capacity to observe and exercise control over our bodies, feelings, perceptions, and mental formulations. Wright makes a compelling case that this sensibility does not prove true.

Last week’s post discussed Wright’s book on Social Darwinism in which he argues that self-delusion confers an evolutionary advantage. When we see ourselves as more capable, understanding, moral, and righteous than we really are, we project an air of confidence that proves attractive to potential mates. Likewise, our tendency to view others with a jaundiced eye, readily pointing out their faults and failings, clears the field of potential rivals. These biases do not enter our conscious awareness, yet we act upon them because it improves our ability to perpetuate our gene pool.

Beyond the influence of social dynamics, the human brain reflects thousands of years of evolutionary development from the “lizard brain” that controls primal urges and responses. It’s a marvelously complex collective of neural circuitry spread across multiple overlapping modules that all work together. Modern technology and a gaggle of research has begun to pierce the veil of how this incredible organ functions. A number of findings support Wright’s thesis that “consciousness” is not in charge. For example:

Persons who’ve had their two brain hemispheres separated surgically can receive a stimulus in one half of the brain and respond to it with the other all outside the realm of conscious thought or control.
Brain scans reveal that action often precedes conscious choice. We often choose a path and then exercise our conscious capacity to rationalize our actions as if they were the product of deliberation.
Subliminal cues and messaging guide our thoughts and behavior without consciousness awareness of their influence.
Powerful feelings – e.g., fear, anger, grief, ecstasy, love – can usher in a whole new mindset that colors behaviors and perceptions over extended periods, for better or worse.

So, if there is no “self,” then who am I?

Wright suggests that we are each a collective of “selves” that take turns running the show. At any given moment, physical sensations, emotions, perceptions, thoughts, or other sensibilities might captivate our attention. The key to attaining mastery lies in:

Recognizing what has emerged
Accepting it
Investigating it and its relation to your body, mind, and spirit
Practicing Nonattachment (or non-identification) toward it

Insight meditation practiced faithfully provides the means to be attentive to what’s going on “in here,” not just what’s “out there.” We notice feelings, perceptions, thoughts as they arise and refrain from getting ensnared in the drama of them. We learn to stabilize our minds, release the chatter of their usual preoccupations, and perceive the world in a clear, less reactive way. As Wright says: “Mindfulness meditation gives calm passions more control than violent passions over time.”

Primal Instincts

Any inquiry into the workings of the human mind must take into account thousands of years of evolutionary development. This trajectory accounts for the acquisition of skills and knowledge as well as the shaping of our moral impulses. Robert Wright provides his views on the latter in his book The Moral Animal: Evolutionary Psychology and Everyday Life.

Charles Darwin revolutionized scientific thought with the publication of his 1859 book On the Origin of Species. He argued that organisms most skilled in adapting to their environments realize the greatest advantage in propagating their genes to succeeding generations. Over time, this advantage translates into fundamental changes in the nature of the populace as a whole; the species evolves. Darwin dubbed this phenomenon natural selection.

Wright argues that natural selection shapes human sensibilities at a subconscious level. The primal urge to pass along our genetic material governs our beliefs, drives our behaviors, and undergirds the social order. As with biology, that which proves most successful in generating progeny persists. That’s Social Darwinism.

Take our mating rituals. A substantial difference in male and female reproductive capabilities creates a delicate negotiation between the sexes. A man’s prodigious capacity to share genetic material compels him to pursue unrestrained copulation. A woman’s limited reproductive capacity argues for selecting mates carefully based on their capacity to make parental investments. Moreover, she wants her offspring to enjoy the benefits of paternal care uncompromised by the products of outside dalliances. Dowries may have been institutionalized to compensate males for narrowing the field of opportunity. Chastity laws most certainly gave males a measure of surety that the offspring to whom they pledged their time and resources perpetuated their genes.

Social Darwinism extends beyond one’s comportment to include preferential treatment for those in our gene pool – i.e., kin selection. It compels us to bestow more kindness, compassion, and generosity on those with whom we are in league to ensure the survival of our lineage. We may even be willing to make sacrifices in their behalf so long as the degree of relatedness overrides the cost of foregone procreative opportunities.

While we favor kin, visible benevolent acts raise our social capital. It sends a message that we are worthy of relationship and establishes a bond of gratitude with the people we serve. Those who maximize friendships and minimize antagonism through reciprocal altruism hold a distinct evolutionary advantage. By contrast, exploitation damages relationship, fosters grievances, and subjects us to public shaming, none of which benefit our procreative agenda.

Hierarchies always appear in groups; the collective ethos determines the “pecking order.” Those higher up on the social ladder have an evolutionary advantage over those beneath them. Traditionally, male hierarchies have been subject to change and challenge; female hierarchies have been more stable and cooperative. The desire for advancement leads to a cognitive bias. It enables us to see ourselves in a flattering light while having a keen sensitivity to other’s flaws. It also gives us the ability to render arguments forcefully without undue concern for the merits of our positions or the presence of inconvenient truths. Winning promotes status and gives our genes a leg up.

Social Darwinism argues that morality takes shape within a context of primal impulses that compel us to advance our genetic material to subsequent generations. Natural selection drives us to be prolific, not virtuous, magnanimous, or happy. So, how does a civil order come into being?

Scientists developed computer simulation models to figure out which behavioral strategy proved most effective in proliferating one’s genes. Dog-Eat-Dog did not win out. Tit-For-Tat proved victorious – i.e., doing unto others as they’ve done unto you. Once established, a system of reciprocal altruism reinforces social cohesion in a way that builds an ever-expanding web of trust. It creates a stable environment for procreative success. However, Tit-For-Tat falters in the context of substantive migration in and out of the group. It also proves ineffective when dropped into a context rife with deceit.

Given all of the foregoing, it’s not surprising that the world’s great religions seek to tame humanity’s animal appetites by challenging their adherents to live in accordance with high moral ideals and surround themselves with the faithful. It creates a peaceable kingdom and confers a genetic advantage. This advantage gains momentum with expansion in the collective of followers.

I realize that there may be a thin line connecting Social Darwinism to this site’s theme of healthy living. Twenty-first century humanity is a far cry from the hunter-gatherer societies that characterized the overwhelming majority of our time on earth. Yet, I think there’s merit in being aware of the extent to which primal instincts play a role in our cultural, ethnic, racial, religious, and gender biases. We can see their underpinnings and call upon ourselves to rise above them. We can also appreciate the merits of reciprocal altruism and adopt the practice in our daily lives.

Steady Change, Big Results

I just finished a series of posts on nutrition and am once again reminded of the difficulty of sustaining good eating habits. Having just read James Clear’s Atomic Habits, it seemed an auspicious time to revisit the topic of behavioral change.

James’ core thesis is that seemingly small and unimportant daily adjustments become the compound interest of self-improvement. Think about it. When we commit to being 1% better at any activity every single day, we’ll be 37.8% better at it by year end. Conversely, when we diminish competency at a rate of 1% per day, we’ll have 2.5% of that skill one year later. He says: “Time magnifies the margin between success and failure. It will multiply whatever you feed it.”

James defines three layers of behavioral change. Goals/outcomes provide a high-level description of a future state; they set the direction. Processes establish the systems and daily routines that produce favorable results; they chart and stay the course. A declared identity tells us who we wish to become. Why does identity matter? Because outcome-based habits that focus on achievement can be thwarted by an old, engrained identity. By contrast, identity-based habits motivate us to act according to who we believe ourselves to be. As such, when we’re tempted to forego the daily regimen, we can ask ourselves: Does this behavior (or lack thereof) cast a vote in favor of the person I’ve declared myself to be?

As covered in an earlier post, habits take the form of a cue, a craving, a routine, and a reward. Once formed, our brain activity drops precipitously between the cue and the reward. In a sense, we go on autopilot. It takes conscious effort to create good habits and break bad ones. We can make things easier on ourselves by shaping our environments such that we do not have to exercise extraordinary self-control or needlessly deplete our reservoir of willpower. James recommends the following high-level strategies:

	To Form a Good Habit	To Thwart a Bad Habit
CUE	Make it obvious	Make it invisible
CRAVING	Make it attractive	Make it unattractive
ROUTINE	Make it easy	Make it difficult
REWARD	Make it satisfying	Make it unsatisfying

The balance of his book provides concrete advice on how to enact each of these strategies along with engaging stories from those who model forwarding behavior. Here’s a high-level synopsis:

The Keys to Good Habits

Make it obvious:

Log your daily habits and rate them positive, negative, or neutral. Awareness is a precursor to change.
Set an intention and stick with it – e.g., whenever I am tempted to eat between meals, I will grab celery and carrots.
Add a new good habit on top of something you already do – e.g., whenever I go to the bathroom, I will follow up with 20 abdominal crunches.
Create an environmental cue that reinforces the desired behavior – e.g., put my guitar on a stand in my office to remind me to play. James says: “Environment is the invisible hand that shapes human behavior… You can’t stick to positive habits in a negative environment.”

Make it attractive:

Tie a habit that you need to do with something that you want to do – e.g., while exercising on my portable Stairmaster, I’ll take a mid-afternoon work break to watch my favorite show.
Associate with people who model habits you want to emulate. Proximity and social norms powerfully influence behavior. Shared identity bolsters personal identity.
Increase motivation by reframing actions as things you “get to do” rather than things you “have to do.” Tie that sense of agency with a thought, feeling, or action that brings joy right before launching the routine.

Make it easy:

Remove barriers. Have all the necessary materials at the ready to engage in positive change.
Make good environmental decisions – e.g., join a gym that’s on the flight path to work, grocery store, or other frequent haunts.
Pay attention to the moment of choice every day and learn to master it – e.g., set the calendar to include self-care activities and treat these time slots as non-negotiable.
Create 2-minute routines – e.g., meditate for 2 minutes every day upon awakening. Extend the time in 1 increments when it feels natural to do so.
Leverage technology to automate habits – e.g., deduct X amount from the weekly paycheck and put it in a savings plan

Make it satisfying:

Find ways to give yourself immediate rewards for behaviors that provide long-term benefits. Choose rewards that strengthen identify and goals. (A brownie after a workout does not fit the bill!)
Reinforce good choices visually – e.g., place money saved on impulse purchases in a glass jar and watch it accumulate.
Place a habit-tracker in a prominent location to encourage yourself to stay the course and celebrate daily progress.
Commit to “getting back on the horse” if you break the chain. Be a person who does not falter twice in a row.

I really enjoyed this book and recommend that you grab a copy and read it. You’ll get far more benefit out of his words of wisdom with in-depth exposure. If it changes your life for the better, isn’t it worth the investment?

Healthy Lifestyle

Ideas to Nourish the Body, Mind, and Spirit