I’ve often fallen into the delayed happiness trap – that belief that happiness will arrive when a certain event happens or time frame passes. My favorite variation on the trap takes the form of “if I can just get through this week (deadline, project, exam, etc.), then I’ll be happy.” I say it a lot. And I get that it puts happiness “out there” when it’s absolutely within my grasp to have it in the midst of whatever is going on right now. It’s a bad habit that I’m trying to break.

Happiness guru Sonja Lyubomirsky wrote a book about this trap. In The Myths of Happiness, she explores ten adult “crisis points” and the false beliefs we carry regarding the impact they’ll have on our lives. It turns out, we’re not very good at forecasting future happiness:

• We forget our tendency to adapt rapidly to good stuff (a.k.a. hedonic adaptation) and thereby cancel out any temporary bump in happiness that we experience.
• We chronically overestimate how long and intensely a negative outcome will affect us and underestimate our capacity to marshal resources and move forward.
• We don’t realize that people who have experienced some adversity may be happier than those who haven’t because of their increased resiliency, preparedness, and appreciation.
• We can’t know the long-term impact of something in the moment. The “worst thing” may turn out to be the “best thing.”

With greater insights about common fallacies, Lyubomirsky can guide us toward helathier attitudes today.

Myth #1: “I’ll be happy when I’m married to the right person.” Even the best of choices may wind up seeming less that satisfactory once the thrill of the romance wears off. Marriage gets ordinary. To sustain positive vibes over the long haul: Appreciate your partner’s good qualities and small acts of kindness. Aim for at least 5 positive comments/interactions for every negative one. Add variety to your lives; break up routines. It boosts happiness and is good for the brain. Make the most of your partner’s good news and be a support resource toward realizing his/her/their best self. Make physical contact regularly.

Myth #2: “I can’t be happy when my relationship has fallen apart.” We habitually underestimate the strength of our psychological immune system. We are masters of survival. That being said, a support network helps as does talking through the experience from the perspective of an caring observer. Find liberation through forgiveness. It reduces grievances, minimizes negative thoughts, bolsters optimism, fosters contentment, improves health, and boosts productivity.

Myth #3: I’ll be happy when I have kids.” Parenting is quite stressful. While we have coping mechanisms for big life vents, the daily hassles and irritants that come with raising children can be a drag on joy. Expressive writing can help parents give voice to their issues, understand them better, and move past them. Take time to step back and see the big picture. And give yourself some time off now and again!

Myth #4: I can’t be happy when I don’t have a partner.” While strong, caring, fulfilling relationships make us happy, they do not have to be sexual or romantic in nature. Focus on becoming your best possible self. Practice optimism. See possibilities in your life and community for social engagement.

Myth #5: I’ll be happy when I find the right job.” Much like the relationship myth, the “perfect job” falls prey to hedonic adaptation. While there’s a brief spurt of happiness upon attainment, the happiness scale resets to baseline in short order. Then, we think we won’t be happy until we get the next one! The antidote lies in aiming for high performance but loosening the grip on expectations and entitlement. Throw off pernicious comparisons with others; appreciate what you have right now. Pursue goals for which you enjoy the process of attaining them, not just the fruits of your labors. Shift the reference point from the “dream job” to one that is gratitude-inducing.

Myth #6: I can’t be happy when I’m broke. While income and happiness are correlated, the relationship isn’t strong once basin needs are met. Apply the ancient practice of thrift; live with less. The strain of debt far outweighs the thrill of purchase. Spend money on experiences versus possessions. Experiences are social, less prone to social comparison, and less likely to engender buyer’s remorse. Many small pleasures reap more benefits than a few large ones.

Myth #7: I’ll be happy when I’m rich. While money boosts overall life satisfaction, it doesn’t have a major impact on day-to-day happiness. Increased income tends to be accompanied by increased spending with the attendant comparisons with peers. Runaway materialism depletes happiness. Spend on need-satisfying things. Spend on others. Spend money to give you time to spend with loved ones.

Myth #8: I can’t be happy when the test results are negative. We may fear a dire diagnosis, yet we still hold the power to determine our life experience. As William James said: “My experience is what I agree to attend to. Only those items which I notice shape my mind.” Spend time in and around nature; it’s restorative. Use meditation to disengage from unhealthy thoughts. Learn what makes you happy and do it more. The happier we are, the better we’re able to address the inevitable challenges in this world.

Myth #9: I can’t be happy when I know I’ll never play shortstop for the Yankees. Life holds setbacks, disappointments, regrets for us all. Acknowledge them, but don’t be consumed by them. Reflect on where you are and how you got here. Avoid rumination. Be deliberate, analytical, philosophical, curious, self-aware, insightful. Think of life’s moments as a coherent journey, each propelling us forward. Leverage humor, compassion, gratitude. Then set new goals and embark on a new journey.

Myth #10: I can’t be happy when the best years of my life are over. Surprise, surprise. Seniors count themselves among the happiest people alive! They’re better at emotional regulation, and their shorter time horizons render them more present-oriented. Enhance happiness in this phase of life by thinking of the past as an endowment of wonderful memories, skills, experiences, insights. As Queen Elizabeth II said: “Good memories are our second chance at happiness.” Be open to new adventures and new life goals.

The big message: Don’t wait for happiness! Jettison these false beliefs and get on with finding happiness in the here and now.