From time immemorial, human beings have used rituals to mark important moments in the life of the individual and community. Through my faith tradition, I have participated in many rituals:
- Baptism to welcome me into the church and acknowledge my membership
- Confirmation to affirm my commitment to the community
- Communion to remember divine sacrifice and our interconnection as members
- Marriage to bear witness to the union between my husband and me for lifetime partnership
- Memorials to honor the lives of family and friends upon their passing
I have also participated in initiation rituals for secular organizations through which I was welcomed into community and provided guidance on core tenets. I’ve had multiple rounds of graduations during which I celebrated the completion of significant milestones in academic (and social) progress. And there have been award ceremonies to give public recognition to achievement. All such moments acknowledge and cement connection… especially with accompanying parties!
In The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller speaks to the healing power of ritual when we are in the throes of grief. It provides an embodied process through which the community expresses its care and concern. It provides a holding space in which it is safe to release sorrow and address the need for healing and renewal. It reminds is that we are not alone in our grief.
Weller identifies three important functions that grief rituals provide:
- Transparent access to the transcendent for a palpable sense of the sacred
- Reparation to suture the tears in the soul
- Invitation to the denied and forgotten aspects of the psyche to come to the fore and release the intensity of felt emotion
“In ritual space, something inside us shimmers, quickens, and aligns itself with a larger, more vital element. We are released from the limiting constraints of our collective agreements, such as not showing our emotions in public, not bothering anyone with our troubles, and remaining stoic and self-contained within our pain. This release allows us to enter into a fuller expression of who we are.” – Francis Weller
Ritual provides a forum in which we can be seen and heard. It provides an opening through which we grant others permission to acknowledge our pain. It does not rid us of our wounds; it offers a compassionate means to tend to them. Per Weller, loving attention can help us move from being stuck in a place of sorrow toward a renewed sense of aliveness.
Most of us relegate this function to an established forum for expression. But we can create our own rituals to provide solace when needed.
A few years ago, a friend lost her beloved yellow labrador and took it upon herself to serve up a eulogy via email. She honored her companion of 12 years and the special moments that they shared. I’ve no doubt it helped her process her grief, and I was honored to be included in the circle of care.
The “going away party” allows for public expressions of farewell when dear friends or family relocate. I’ve been to several of them recently; my husband and I will be the featured guests at one this weekend. It will give us a time to bring closure to a major chapter in our lives and say good-bye to friends with whom we’ve shared a significant journey. With Zoom and social media, we’ll stay in touch, but I’ll grieve the immediacy of regular face-to-face contact.
Much as retirement brings freedom and flexibility, they also carry losses. We have limitations in our lifestyle that weren’t present in our youth; we’re less self-reliant. Mercifully, we remain in pretty fine fettle. But I’ll have to give due consideration to rituals we might establish to help us navigate the way forward.